A Future Look Into The Situation Room

Let’s imagine that war has broken out in the Middle East.  Israel, Syria, and Iran are all actively involved. Israel is readying nuclear weapons and so is Iran. It’s not hard to imagine. Here’s a guess at what would take place at a Trump Cabinet meeting called to discuss how to react.

 This would be the cast of characters:

DONALD J. TRUMP, (at the demand of Mr. Trump) – GENERALISIMO

SUSIE WILES – CHIEF OF STAFF

MARCO RUBIO – SECRETARY OF STATE

PAM BONDI – ATTORNEY GENERAL

RFK JR. – SECRETARY OF HHS

PETE HEGSETH – SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

TULSI GABBARD – DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE

MIKE HUKABEE – AMBASSADOR TO ISRAEL

STEPHEN MILLER – DEP.UTY CHIEF FOR POLICY AND HOMELAND SECURITY ADVISOR

And this would be how they would react:

Trump: (BEING LED INTO THE SITUATION ROOM BY WILES) Why are you pulling me in here? I was watching them take down those “White House” signs and put up the ones that say, “TRUMP HOUSE.” The neon one on the roof is the greatest sign in the history of signs. (THEN NOTICING THE OTHER PEOPLE SITTING AROUND THE TABLE) Why are all of you here? Don’t you have jobs?

Wiles: This is their job, sir.

Trump: Really? I recognize Stephen. I love his little sneer. And I know the cute blonde – Pam, right?

Bondi – Yes, sir. I’m the Attorney General.

RFK: And you know me, sir. I’m the Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Trump: Really? How did that happen?

Wiles: No one really knows, sir.

Hegseth: Mr. President, we’re here because a possible nuclear war is breaking out in Middle West. 

Rubio: It’s the Middle East, Pete.

Hegseth: [TAKING A LONG SHOT OF WHISKEY] That’s why you’re at State, Mario. I never really thought that Minnesota would have a nuke. Lots of prime choice, though, if you know what I mean.  

Gabbard: We have what appears to be solid intelligence that all those countries where they wear those funny clothes are attacking each other.

Trump: Is it a fashion thing?

Gabbard: It may be. I’m still checking with my Russian handlers. Whoops. I mean our sources, sir.

Trump: (STANDS UP AND STARTS TO LEAVE)  So what do you want me to do about it?

Rubio: Well, sir, we need some guidance, some direction. Candidly, I’ve never had a big job like this. I’ve always been a political hack. The last time I ran anything, I was a City Commissioner for West Miami. 

Miller: I’ll tell you what to do, sir. Don’t let any of those towelheads into this country ever again.

Wiles: Thanks, Steve, we could have guessed that you would suggest that, But that’s not really the issue this time.

Huckabee: Here’s my idea. I’ve consulted with my Policy Manual and here’s what it says. “When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. Deuteronomy, Chapter 20, Verse 1.”

Hegseth: Wow. If they’re using chariots and horses, I’d better ask Congress to send me more money so we can buy some of our own.

Wiles: Sir, President Putin is on the line. [SHE POINTS TO WHERE THE PHONE IS}

[GABBARD JUMPS UP AND HEADS FOR THE PHONE]

Trump: Oh, I’ll take this privately. (TRUMP LEAVES THE ROOM]

[WHILE HE IS AWAY, HEGSETH CONTINUES TO DRINK AND THEN, PASSES OUT; RFK MUMBLES A CONVERSATION WITH THE WORM IN HIS BRAIN].

[TUMP RETURNS) Oh, that Vlad, what a great guy. He really loves me. He said he’ll take care of the whole thing. I don’t have to worry about any of it.

Wiles: But what is he going to do, sir?

Trump: How should I know? He’s good at this stuff. I let him take care of that Ukraine thing and I don’t have to deal with a single second of that anymore. He just makes my job so easy.

RFK: Well, I guess that takes care of it, then. I’m going to celebrate with a gallon of raw milk.

Gabbard: (WHISPERING INTO HER LAPEL MICROPHONE) It worked, Vlad. And I think I turned that worm in Kennedy’s brain. He’s gonna’ tell me everything the guy sees and hears].

Miller: Mr. President, can I go back to separating children from their parents?

Trump: At the border?

Miller: No. Everywhere.

Trump: Good idea. And don’t forget Eric. 

Could happen!