O.J.s First Year?

Should the worst happen and Orange Julius (called “O.J.” in this blog) become President again, here are some imagined news stories from O.J.’s first year in office.  

January 20, 2025 – In a break with tradition, and just about everything else, as soon as the Oath of Office was administered to President-Elect Trump, he signed a Presidential Pardon absolving himself of all crimes he may have ever committed. It also declares everything he does for the rest of his life to be considered under the Supreme Court’s decision as part of his Presidential duties thereby making him further immune from prosecution for everything he does in the future. He lifted the document in the air and waived it to the cheering crowd. He turned around and shot Chuck Schumer.

March 15, 2025 – Today the President directed his Attorney General, Stephen Miller, to send agents house to house in order to identify and remove all illegal aliens. Those who refuse to cooperate with this effort will be sent to the Attorney General’s new Division of Discipline whose punishment practices need not comply with any constitutional protections. 

May 1, 2025 – In front of the site of the newly planned Vladimir Putin Monument at the previous site of the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial, President Trump and the Russian Premier jointly announced that thousands of American troops will now be assisting the Russian troops in Ukraine. “In a very short time, we expect the Russian province of Ukraine to be returned to its mother country where it belongs,” said Premier Putin. All the while President Trump just stood there nodding his head. 

July 4, 2025 – Standing in front of a bevy of American flags on this, the country’s birthday, President Trump announced the creation of the Division Enforcing Standard Political Organizing Themes or “DESPOT.” The President explained that DESPOT Agents have been tasked with making sure to penalize “the enemies from within” – anyone spreading ideas contrary to the ones that he considers best for the country. 

September 18, 2025 – the Director of DESPOT, Glen Beck, today announced his agency’s first mass arrests. Last night his agents rounded up Jimmy Kimmel, John Oliver, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. In his statement, Director Beck said, “By imprisoning these traitors, we have eliminated a stream of false information about our President that has infected the body politic for years.” Immediately after issuing his statement, Director Beck resigned his position and will be taking over all late-night television shows himself.

December 1, 2025 – President Trump announced today that this year will be the last one in which Christmas will be celebrated in the traditional way. There will still be a holiday celebrating the birth of the deity with an exchange of gifts. However, from now on it will now be celebrated every June 14, the birthday of President Trump.

Of course, this stuff is all made up. Sadly, however, it is not all that far-fetched.