Through my friendships with a couple of people who are close to Justice Samuel Alito, I was fortunate enough recently to meet with the Justice for a short interview. Here is a report of what happened. This transcript has been edited by the Justice, so it includes only those portions that he thought placed him in the best light.
Me: Thank you so much Justice for permitting me to come here and talk to you.
Alito: Oh, no problem. I allow one Jew a year to talk to me and I’m anxious to get that over with for this year.
Me: Well, thanks anyway. Since I’m here, I guess I would be remiss not to ask you about that upside down flag at your house. Is it true that Mrs. Alito did that?
Alito: Oh, yes. This whole thing is a big misunderstanding. You know how some people have dyslexia and see things backwards? Well, Mrs. Alito has a very rare condition. She sees things upside down. She just has trouble sometimes raising the flag properly. She’s dealing with it, though.
Me: Oh, that’s a terrible disability. Is she getting any benefits for that?
Alito: Benefits? For disabilities? Of course not. I don’t believe in it. If God made you disabled, then live with it. Who are we to change God’s plan? And anyway, there were no disability benefits when this country was founded so without any historical basis, disability benefits are unconstitutional.
Me: O.K. Well, Let’s talk about your life outside the Court. What are your hobbies?
Alito: Oh, I have many. I have so many, in fact, that I spend very little time at all on Court business. To tell you the truth, I very seldom write my own decisions. I farm them out to friends. For example, Stephen Miller is very good at it. So is what’s-his-name? The guy who always wears three layers of shirts.
Me: Steve Bannon?
Alito: Yeah, yeah, the other Steve. Good people and good writers.
Me: Well, with all that free time, what do you do?
Alito: I love baseball. It’s been in all the papers that I’m a big Phillies fan and that’s one of the few things that the papers get right. Well, kinda’ right. I was a big Phillies fan. I’ve lost a lot of interest in the Phillies and in baseball generally, though, since they’ve let all those darkies play. I was even getting used to the darkies, but now it’s mostly spics.
Me: I notice a lot of interesting things here in your Chambers. What is that picture over there?
Alito: Oh, I’m very proud of that. It’s a self-portrait that was done by a young German painter in the early twentieth century.
Me: Forgive me, but it looks a little like Adolph Hitler.
Alito: Well, it should. That’s him. He’s one of my favorite artists. He also painted houses you know. I’ve been trying to find a house that he painted so I can just look around and take in his genius. Too bad he gave up art. But he went into politics and was a big success at that, so I guess he made the right decision.
Me: Sir, thank you very much for this. I think our time is now up.
Alito: And if I have my way, time will be up as well for America as we know it.
We were right 
That bum should be impeached! Along with Thomas.
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