Strap In

We are all looking forward with wonder to what may be facing us during the months now labeled 2024. Of course, no one can be sure about the future. Our crystal balls are as cloudy as Republican Party logic. Mine, too. But I’ll still don my cloak of Guystradomuson and offer up these predictions about what will face this year.

January 15 – Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce marry. Kelce is available because his team, the Chiefs, lost in the first round of the playoffs. Swift wears a gown that cost her 2.5 million dollars. But immediately after the ceremony she auctions it off and gets $3,000,000. The good times keep rolling for Taylor.

February 12 – The Supreme Court rules that Trump is qualified to run for President under the 14^thAmendment. Justice Thomas casts the deciding vote. The day after the decision, Justice Thomas is flown by Trump to Scotland where he then moves into the Presidential Suite at Trump’s resort there. 

February 20 – The Iowa primaries result in much the way everyone expected. Trump wins. What was unexpected was the margin. Trump receives all votes except two – one for Haley and one for DeSantis. Christie receives none. DeSantis remains upbeat. He says, “As anyone knows who has taken the history course I require in Florida, Lincoln did poorly in his Iowa primary, too.” Haley agrees with him.

March 10 – In a shock at the Academy Awards, none of the nominees for best picture win. Instead, a recently included film called “Trump Uber Alles” wins in every category. When flooded with inquiries from the media about how this could have happened, the new President of the Academy refuses to comment. The new President is Leni Riefenstahl III. 

March 30 – Former Congressman George Santos is sentenced to ten days probation for his fraudulent activity. There is a public furor over the leniency of the sentence. But then it is discovered that the sentencing Judge was really George Santos pretending to be the Judge. Unfortunately, this is only discovered weeks later and, by that time, the real George Santos cannot be found.

April 16 – Trump pleads guilty in all of the cases against him, but guilty by reason of insanity. He parades dozens of psychiatrists and other experts who testify how absolutely bat-shit he is. The pleas are accepted by the Judges. As a result, Trump’s popularity spikes even higher. His new appeal to the MAGA crowd is “VOTE FOR ME. I’M AS CRAZY AS YOU ARE.”

May 3 – Nikki Haley finally drops out of the Presidential race because of a furor over another answer she gives at a Town Hall Meeting. When asked the reason for the American Revolution, she says, “slavery.” Too little too late.

June 28 – Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announce that they are separating. Flags are flown at half-staff. 

July 1 – Gerry Turner, the Golden Bachelor, and the wife he chose during the show, Theresa Nist, announce that they, too, are separating. All government offices are closed.

September 3 – Gerry Turner and Taylor Swift announce that they are engaged. The world rejoices. Peace is declared between Israel and Gaza. Russia withdraws from Ukraine. 

October 12 – On the eve of the Presidential election, Biden withdraws. When asked why he waited so long, he says he just lost track of time. 

October 22 – The Democrats announce that their new Presidential candidate is Taylor Swift. She will be 35 years old by Inauguration Day. Her running mate is her new life-mate, Gerry Turner. The Democrats change the name of their party to “Swifties.”

November 5 – The Democratic ticket of Swift-Turner wins in a landslide. They carry every state. As expected, Trump claims fraud. However, his claims are dropped when it is revealed that even he voted Swiftie.

December 18 – Donald Trump dies. No one cares.

December 30 – It is discovered that the Taylor Swift who was elected President was actually George Santos in disguise. The world is again thrown into chaos.