While he was addressing a group of Governors, a member of his staff slipped Orange Julius (“O.J.”) a note telling him that the Supreme Court had invalidated his precious tariffs. Oh, he was pissed. How dare those treasonous bastards rob him of his favorite toy. He immediately convened a meeting back in the Oval Office and this is what went on in there.
O.J.: (Whaling) Whaaa. Whaaa. It’s not fair. Not fair. I want my tariffs!!!
Susie Wiles: Sir, try to calm down. We knew that this might happen. We’re prepared. We have other options.
O.J.: No! I need my tariffs! My tariffs! No options! (Now stamping his feet) Those doody-heads at the Court can’t take my tariffs away from me.
Stephen Miller: You are so right, Mr. President. I’ll tell ICE to deport all of them.
Susie Wiles: Wait a second, Steve. Nobody is deporting anybody right now. Sir, you can still do some tariffs, maybe just not the same way you did it before.
O.J.: But I like the way I did it before. They were so much fun to play with. I could scare people with them any time I wanted to. I could hurt the people I didn’t like. (His voice rising) I want to keep doing that. I wanna’ keep playing. (His voice now pleading) Can I still have as much fun if we do it the new way?
Susie Wiles: (Turning to Pam Bondi) Can he, Pam?
Pam Bondi: How do I know. I’ll have to go ask a real lawyer.
Susie Wiles: But you are a real lawyer.
(The whole bunch of them laugh uproariously at that)
Pete Hegseth: I have an idea, sir. We still have a few troops who are not waiting to attack Iraq.
Susie Wiles: It’s Iran, Pete. We’re waiting to attack Iran, not Iraq.
Pete Hegseth: Oh, potato, potohto. We can have our boys bomb the Supreme Court building. That’ll serve those commies right.
Stephen Miller: Yeah. And then we’ll deport them!
Susie Wiles: No, Pete. Pour yourself another drink. And no, Steve, buy yourself another swastika. No bombing and no deporting.
O.J. (Speaking through sobs): I want my toys back. I won’t let them take my toys away from me. I need my Daddy. I need my Roy Cohen.
RFK, Jr. (walking over to O.J and stroking his hair): Here, sir. Gulp down this big glass of whole milk and nibble on this fermented brain worm. You’ll feel much better.
Karoline Leavitt: Mr. President, the press corps is waiting to hear from you.
O.J. (still whimpering): I know. What am I going to tell them?
Steve Bannon: Tell them what your Daddy and Roy Cohen would tell you to tell them. Lie your ass off. Tell them that you won. Tell them you got everything you wanted. Tell them that now you can still impose all the tariffs you want and make them even higher. Tell them that this clears everything up and now gives us certainty.
Susan Wiles: But this creates even more uncertainty.
Steve Bannon: Who cares? Go out there Donnie and do what you do best. Stay as far away from the truth as you possibly can.
O.J.: (Brightening up) I can do that. It’s my specialty.
And so, he did. And on we go.
We were right 