Hello, my name is Billy Bob Bob. You may not know me although you have probably seen me. I am an actor. I have appeared in hundreds of westerns, always as one of the townsfolk who gather in the street and mumble. I am in this commercial because I am the most famous celebrity that the great man himself, our President, could find to appear in it.
I speak now on behalf of the Trump Organization’s newest and greatest innovation – “Donald’s Unmatched Method for Bliss” or “DUMB.” I want to let you know about this great opportunity that DUMB is now offering.
Even though I have had my remarkable movie career – President Trump says I am the greatest actor he has ever seen – I am not always happy. I certainly should be, but we’re all human. Well, except for our dear President. Hallowed be his name. Because of our natural periods of anxiety, we all search for panaceas that will make that feeling go away. We’ve tried all kinds of things from ice cream to sado-masochism. But I submit to you that DUMB has developed a brand- new product that surpasses not only anything you have ever tried before, but, as the Exalted Leader would say, “anything anybody else has ever tried ever before, ever in the world, ever.”
Unlike other sales pitches you may hear, DUMB doesn’t play games. We’re not going to make you click onto some other icon and make you suffer through a thousand ads while we continue to entice you with our offer. We just want you to watch this short subject on our President:
[A ten-minute film is then shown of Trump personally stopping fifteen wars. In each case, he runs into the middle of the battle and, as the bombs and bullets bounce off of him with no effect, he compels each side to lay down their arms by the sheer force of his negotiating skills alone. After the film ends, Billy Bob Bob comes back.]
I tear up every time I see that film. Anyway, so here’s DUMB’s secret. Here’s how you make the pain of anxiety go away. Are you ready? It’s a method developed by our Great and Almighty Commander in Chief. When you are facing a difficult problem, you need only to say to yourself, “I’ll Do It Later” or IDIL.
IDIL gives you permission to do whatever you want to do, instead of all of that shit that you never wanted to do. When you boil it down, isn’t that the basic ingredient in all joy?
Imagine you are going over your bills. They have been mounting daily but, because of Our Dear Leader’s brilliant economic policy, your income has not. Well, you don’t think King Donald would do that to you without also giving you a way to solve the problem. IDIL is the way. Just put the bills back in the drawer and tell yourself, “I’ll do it later.” Instantly those financial concerns will go away. You can use that extra free time to do whatever you want to do, including, of course, sending whatever money you have left to support Our Remarkable Ruler’s Grand White House Ballroom. Ah, the relief! Ah, the liberation!
And it works every time.
You see how Our Leader uses it. Whenever he comes to a decision point in an ongoing critical world problem, you know what he always says – “I will make a decision in two weeks.” That’s an IDLE genius at work.
Don’t use IDLE all the time. Some things truly need to get done. We are not “Pro Crastination.” For example, when The Benevolent One in the White House demands that we do something, we must do it. For example, if your neighbors speak with a strange accent, you must, of course, call ICE immediately and have those neighbors taken away, especially if they are black or brown. But in most instances, you must follow the lead of the Grand and Eloquent Chief Executive. He only engages in IDLE in the responsible way that he engages in fraud and adultery and pederasty – sensibly and in private.
I know what you’re asking. How can I buy this great product? You may even be asking, why do I have to buy it at all – it’s only saying something to yourself.
Good questions and here are the answers. First of all, the ability to say to yourself, “I’ll do it later,” is owned by the Magnificent Magnate himself. He had to fire twelve consecutive Directors of the Patent Office, but he finally got one who agreed to give the President full rights to that process.
Now, in terms of how you can buy it, DUMB is, for a limited time, and in honor of the 45th and 47th President, offering a 30-day supply of IDLE for the low, low, low price of $4,547. This deal won’t last long so if you want to give your anxieties a Reduction in Force, send that money to the White House TODAY.
By the way, don’t send the money in Trump Coins. That stuff is shit.
We were right 