TRANSCRIPT OF BROADCAST FROM THE OVAL OFFICE
My Fellow Americans
You know that I have recently re-named the Department of Defense as the Department of War. I always thought that was a great idea. I remember when I once suggested it to my good buddy Jeffrey Ep . . . . Whoops. Went off prompter there for a second.
Well, I have some more great ideas about naming things. In fact, I have the best ideas when it comes to naming things. Take my kid, for example. What kid doesn’t want to be called, “Barron.” It’s a name so special that nobody else has it. So, I’ve applied my stable genius to naming other things in a way so we will no longer look like pussies. Oh, sorry again. Didn’t mean to use that “p”-word. What I mean is that we will have new names that project senseless violence, just like our country was built upon.
From now on, the sides opposing each other in games will no longer be called, “teams.” From now on they will be known as “combatants”.
Also in sports, some combatant’s names will be revised. Some animals are allowed, like “Lions” and “Tigers” and “Bears”. (See what I did there? The movie?). But no combatants shall be named after swishy animals like, “Dolphins” or “Cubs.” We will have more military names like “Guardians”. And how about “Napalm Droppers?” Although when it comes to military names, I do somehow relate to, “Dodgers.”
And, when a person prevents another person from harming them, they may no longer claim “self-defense.” From now on that claim will be called, “Returning Fire.”
Yes, people, let’s get ourselves back to the good old days when a fight in the playground was what made you a man; when we didn’t put up with woke ideas like brotherhood and understanding; and when we were number one in the world because we could beat the shit out of anybody who disagreed with us.
Oh, and by the way, my thoughts and prayers are with the family of Charlie Kirk. In his name we must lower the temperature of our political rhetoric.
We were right 