Which Way to Patriotism?
Do you root for Orange Julius (“OJ”) to succeed? In other words, when he does something that he says is going to help the country, do you hope it actually does help or hope that it doesn’t? I’m sure you’ve gone through the thought process: success would be good for OJ (boo!) but also good for the country (yay!). Should we want that?
Me? I always hope for what’s worse for OJ even if that hurts the country. I know that sounds very unpatriotic but let me explain. I think the worst thing for the country would be for OJ’s hideous MAGA flag to be further planted upon the good old USA. The way that can happen is if some of the crap he throws against the wall actually sticks. If the orange stopped clock really gets one right, then the country gets a little better, but MAGA grows. Our country is worse off if OJ luckily stumbles upon some short-term success. Better for the long-term that nothing he does succeeds at all.
Conclusion: The way to patriotism is to root for OJ to fall flat on his orange face.
What Kind of a Tucker are you?
It is unquestionable that the world would be a better place if we did not divide and separate ourselves from one another. If Martin Luther King, Jr. gave us anything (in addition to all of his Streets) he taught us that we are all just one big life-form and that we need to treat each other with honor and respect. A person’s race shouldn’t matter. A persons’ religion shouldn’t matter. Even whether you wear a MAGA hat shouldn’t matter.
Except for one thing. Whether a man tucks in his shirt or goes un-tucked, that matters. The Tuckers are not the kind of men you want to hang around with. I’m not talking about the Tuckers who have to do it for a business meeting or for a cousin’s kid’s Bar Mitzvah. I’m talking about the guys who show up at the bar or at the Shop-Rite with their shirt stuck neatly in their shorts behind some big, black belt. Have you seen these people? They look like the modern version of Urkle. They are people who choose to be more uncomfortable than they have to be. Who does that? These are not men for our time. These are not men whose judgments should be trusted. These are not men who should be allowed to procreate. None of this is because of their race or their religion. It’s because they are Tuckers.
Conclusion: Don’t be a Tucker.
Can OJ save our democracy?
Remember the good old days when we could keep track of his lies? You know who I mean. There was really a time when if you wanted to you could actually count how many times OJ lied to us. Try it now. Not possible. It’s constant. It’s like trying to count Cher’s plastic surgeries. So, people have given up.
But, counterintuitively, that’s not a bad thing. Democracy requires an informed populace. In turn, that requires sources of information that can be trusted. It is very hard to find those sources today. Everybody talks about it – MSNBC (or whatever it’s called now) says one thing and FOX says another. I propose, however, that there is one source of information that can always be trusted. It is the one and only OJ.
The George Constanza principle dictates this conclusion. Remember when George realized that because his every instinct proved to be wrong, the opposite had to be right. Similarly, because everything OJ says is wrong then the opposite has to be right.
So, forget MSNBC and FOX. Forget all those other sources of alleged information. There is only one source that we can all depend on to educate ourselves into informed citizens. Disbelieve everything OJ says. Believe the opposite. It worked for George. It will work for us.
Conclusion: OJ will save our democracy.
We were right 