MEMORANDUM
FROM: Pamela Bondi, Attorney General of the United States
TO: Donald J. Trump, President of the United States
SUBJECT: Pardon of Ghislaine Maxwell
DATE: August 2, 2025
You have asked me to give you an analysis of whether you can legally pardon Ghislaine Maxwell. You know Ghislaine very well, I don’t have to explain to you who she is.
But before I get into the legal malarky, I need to ask you for a favor. I think I left my panties in the Lincoln Bedroom the other night. Last I remember, they were sitting on the head of the bust of John Wilkes Booth that you put Lincoln’s desk. Don’t you remember throwing them there? Could someone gather them up and get them back to me. They’re my favorites.
Ok, let’s get into the legal stuff. You’re not going to believe this, but as ridiculous as it sounds, you have every right to pardon that bitch and nobody can stop you. First, of course, the Constitution amazingly says that you can pardon anybody. I mean anybody! I read that for the first time the other day. Couldn’t believe it, but that’s really what it says.
And if you have any worries about being charged with a crime for doing it, forget it. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you can’t be charged for a crime no matter what you do. The Supreme Court actually said that. I don’t know what you threatened them with to get them to do that, but it worked. It’s really the law. I tell you, the more I looked into this, the crazier it got.
And like they say in the commercials, “wait, there’s more.” You ready for this? You can’t even be impeached. I mean it. Not just because those dick-less Republicans would never do it, but also because they can’t. The Constitution again. You can only be impeached for treason, bribery or what it calls, “high crimes or misdemeanors.” Because that same Constitution gives you absolute authority to pardon anybody, then even if you pardon as gaping an asshole as Ghislaine, that can’t possibly be called a crime or a misdemeanor. How about that? Fucking cool, huh?
Not done yet. Nobody can even sue you for doing it. I’m told that the law has this thing called, “standing.” I had never heard of it, but the three actual attorneys that we have left in the Justice Department assured me that it’s a real thing. They said that “standing” means that to sue somebody you have to have been directly hurt by that person, you know, like all those girls that you and Jeffrey screwed around with. Well, nobody will be directly hurt if you pardon Ghislaine. They may be mad about it but being mad doesn’t give you this “standing” thing. How about that?
So, you’re home free, Donnie. I know that all of this sounds ridiculous but it’s absolutely true. It’s actually the law. It’s as if the Founding Fathers knew that you were coming and set the table for you.
Well, that’s all I have. I kept this short because I know about your attention span.
Now don’t forget about my panties.
We were right 