The Drones Land

[VERY SOON, THE MYSTERIOUS DRONES CIRCLING AROUND NEW JERSEY WILL LAND. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THE FOLLOWING WILL APPEAR ON EVERYONE’S SCREENS]

“Breaking news!. After over two months of mysteriously circling around the New Jersey area, the unidentified drones finally landed today in Paramus, New Jersey.  Our cameras are now aimed at the lead drone. There is an enormous crowd gathered here, not only for the landing but because there was a holiday sale at one of the malls.  It appears now as if the front door is about to open. Yes, it’s opening and here comes something out of it. I can’t explain what it looks like. All I can make out is just a tiny triangle. This enormous crowd is slowly backing away in fear. The triangle has begun to speak. Let’s listen to it.”

“I will speak to you in words you understand. To be honest, though, I’m not exactly sure what you American people understand. And that’s the reason why we are here. We’ve have been watching your country since the beginning of your time. We’ve seen and captured everything you’ve done. I even have the only remaining nude photo of Pocahontas. What a babe!

[He shows it and there is a mixture of hoots and whistles from the crowd as it feels more comfortable and moves closer]

But anyway, during the entire time we’ve observed you, I just gotta’ say’, you have never fucked yourselves up as much as you have now. You’ve screwed the pooch so badly that for the first time, we had to break our cardinal rule against interfering with you people. We once considered doing it during the Nixon Administration, but even you guys were bright enough to take care of that one yourselves.

We decided that it was time for an intervention. It had to be done. Some many things are so much worse now. Of course, I couldn’t begin to list them without leading off with the only man who could be the poster boy for both avarice and populism at the same time. It is, as it appears on everything he owns: T-R-U-M-P.  

Did you people know that there are about 300 million of you in your country, three-quarters of whom are adults, and out of that pool of talent you want your leader to be Pumpkin Head? Did you ever think about it that way? Did you ever think? Well trying to think about the system that spits out that result? And you’ve not only picked this dickhead of a despot once, you’ve reached out for him again! The only time we’ve seen anybody make choices that thoughtless is when when we watch the Giants every draft night.

I mean we’ve made our own mistakes where I come from. Some beauties. There was the one time when we kept fueling ourselves with stuff that was ruining our environment. Thank goodness we listened to the people who pointed out what we were doing, and we stopped. Can you believe that anyone could be that stupid? Oh, I guess you could. Hell, we can hardly see through the air we flew in here through.

Oh, yeah, and there was a short time, before we corrected it – and a very short time, trust me – when we had a vast difference in the way the rich and the poor lived. The rich in splendor, the poor in misery. Could you believe that? Oh, I guess you could. We’ve noticed how you people pay this guy, Tom Brady thirty million bucks a year to describe a football game while most people can’t afford a ticket to even go to a football game.

We also -and I’m embarrassed to say this – we also built weapons that were so powerful they could have destroyed our whole civilization, even before our environmental policies did. But we came to our senses, we tore apart all of those bombs and used their energy to power everything we needed. Lasted eons. I mean who else would be so boneheaded as not to see how horrible the weapons were? On, yeah, sorry again.

And then there was the time when some of us hated others of us just because of the way we looked. Some of us are triangles like me. Some are circles. There are even a few trapezoids. We were full of shapeism.  Then we saw how stupid you looked when you thought the same way and we cut it out quickly.

You get the point? We don’t come here in war or in peace. We come here in, I guess you could call it, “education.” In fact, we have already called it that on the tee shirts that we will be distributing. They all say, “Education Before Eradication.” They come with different pictures of how you all will likely be eradicated if you don’t start to smarten up. Only $24.99 apiece. 

I’m just tellin’ ya’. Look, it matters not to me whether you listen to me and reform or whether you forget you ever saw me. Personally, that’s not why I came. I just needed the miles.”