Today Donald Trump claimed that he almost died in a helicopter crash with Cedric the Entertainer. This makes the forty-eighth person that Mr. Trump claimed was with him. All of them are black. When Mr. Entertainer was contacted, he said that he has no recollection of the incident. He said the only time he ever met Mr. Trump the ex-President mistook him for Shaquille O’Neal.
Pat Sajak, who had just stepped down from being the longtime host of Wheel of Fortune, was found dead today, an apparent victim of suicide. He did not leave a note, but he did leave a puzzle. Law enforcement officials are picking letters to try to decipher what it might say. Vanna White, the show’s long-time letter turner, is serving the same function during this investigation. The letters that Sajak left were, R, S, T, L, N, and E. The police are stymied because none of the letters they chose are part of the solution.
Texas today outlawed reading. Governor Abbot said, “Reading can only lead to trouble. Ever since reading started, the world has just fallen apart. You never heard about cavemen thinking that they were cavewomen, did you? We already know everything we need to know. The new stuff only confuses us.
Succumbing to months of protest from progressive groups claiming that the game of Scrabble was unfair to the illiterate, the game is changing its rules after almost a century. In the past, if your tiles did not spell out a real word, you lost your turn. Now, you will be able to use any combination of tiles you want, whether they are real words or not. The protestors applauded the change saying, “Now everyone has a chance to win.” The groups also announced that they will turn their attention to changing the rules of the pole vault so that no one will have to jump over anything.
The Justice Department announced today that it will be cracking down on people who insist on showing pictures of their vacations. The Department spokesperson said, “These miscreants have wasted enough of our time. We should no longer be subjected to images of friends standing in front of buildings that you have already seen much better pictures of in the past. No longer should we have to sit there pretending to care about watching your friends waving at stuff, something they could be doing right now as you sit next to them. This follows the recent ban on people showing their dinners. The Department’s announcement was greeted with celebratory parades.
Elon Musk announced today that he has purchased the Pacific Ocean. He will close it off so that no one but he can ever use it. When asked why he did this, Musk said, “No real reason. I have the money, and I like water.”
We were right 
perfect! 👏🏼👏🏼
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