In two days, Biden and Trump will debate. Here’s my expectation of what will happen:
Moderator: Presidents Biden and Trump, we thank you for being here.
Trump: LIAR!
Moderator: Excuse me, President Trump? I was just thanking you . . .
Trump: Doesn’t matter. You’re a liar. What I mean is I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re a liar. I know it. You know it. The American people know it. You’re going to blast fake news about how I do tonight. You’re probably even going to falsely say that I interrupted and called people names.
Moderator: Well, I certainly wouldn’t falsely say something like that. But let me turn to President Biden. Let me at least thank you for being here.
[BIDEN STANDS IN SILENCE]
Moderator; President Biden? President Biden?
[MODERATOR GOES OVER TO BIDEN AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER. NO REACTION AT FIRST AND THEN BIDEN SLOWLY TURNS TOWARD MODERATOR]
Moderator: President Biden, I’m thanking you for being here.
Biden: We can do anything. We are the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
Moderator: Well, o.k. Let’s get started. At the last minute, CNN decided that rather than run this debate like all others, and because the big issue in this campaign is the mental acuity of each candidate, tonight we will test those mental skill with the test that Americans use every day to determine who is smart and who isn’t. We are going to play [THE VOICE OF JOHNNY GILBERT] Jeopardy!!! And here’s our host, Ken Jennings.
Trump: Where’s Don Pardo. I wanted him for The Apprentice. Then he asked for too much. Pardo, huh. What kind of a name is that, anyway, Pardo?
Ken: The first to choose an answer was determined after a count of which of you illegally stored the most top-secret documents, President Trump, you won in a romp. So, let’s see which of you knows the most about these categories: The Constitution, Worthless Children, and Bankruptcy. President Trump, please choose.
Trump: Give me The Constitution for 1,000.
Ken: O.K. This is the rule that guarantees freedom of the press.
Trump: I know. Thou Shalt Have No Other God Before Me.
Ken: I’m sorry, sir. You’re wrong. I mean the Constitution.
Trump: There’s a rule like that in the Constitution? No way. Can’t be. When I’m back in office, I’ll make sure that there never is one.
Ken: I’m afraid you were wrong there. Very, very wrong. So, the answer goes to President Biden.
Biden: Can you repeat that?
Ken: Sorry, sir, we don’t repeat questions in this game.
Biden: You mean I’m supposed to understand the question the first time I hear it?
Ken: Yes. That’s the rule.
Biden: You know, I’m front Scranton and we were tough in Scranton. As my Dad used to say, “Joey, some day you are going to need a way to say things that have a tinge of wisdom to them, but actually make no sense. The best way to do that is to attribute them to me.” My Dad was very wise. But anyway, [SHOUTING] Barack! Barack! Can you get out here? Understanding things the first time I hear them? That’s not my thing.
[BARACK OBAMA COMES OUT AND TRIES TO USHER BIDEN OFF THE STAGE. IT IS TOO DIFFICULT AND IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO BRING OUT A WALKER. THEY TRY THIS BUT IT, TOO, IS INSUFFICIENT TO GET BIDEN ALL THE WAY INTO THE WINGS. EVENTUALLY, THEY PUT BIDEN ON A STRETCHER AND HE IS USHERED OUT. BARACK OBAMA THEN COMES BACK OUT AND TAKES THE PODIUM WHERE BIDEN HAD BEEN STANDING]
Obama: Sorry for the delay but I’ll take over from here.
Ken: President Obama, you can’t replace President Biden.
Obama: No, Ken, you have that backwards.
Ken: O.K. I’ll play. How about you, President Trump? You O.k. with this?
Trump: You mean I gotta’ play with the black guy?
Ken: Yes.
Trump: Oh, my people aren’t going to like that. Then again, maybe if I do this, I won’t have to make that Tim Scott and his monster teeth the Vice-President. Ah, no. I’m out. You guys are going to fix this thing anyway. You’re probably going to ask the black guy about the history of Kenya.
[A RUCHUS IN HEARD OFF-STAGE. SUDDENLY A MAN LOOKING FOR ALL THE WORLD TO BE A LOW-LEVEL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE BURSTS ON STAGE.
Man: Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt.
Ken: Who are you?
Man: I’m President Trump’s Probation Officer. He was supposed to report to me today and he never showed up. I have this Court Order to bring him in. [THE MAN APPROACHES TRUMP]
[CLARENCE THOMAS ENTERS THE SCENE.
Thomas: [WAIVING A DOCUMENT IN HIS HAND] Hold on here. Hold on. I have here the Supreme Court’s decision on Presidential Immunity. Hot off the presses. We decided (well not all of us, but enough of us) that President Trump is totally immune from any criminal charges. So, take your hands off him.
[THE DEBATE ENDS BUT IT HAD A PROFOUND EFFECT ON THE ELECTION. ON ELECTION DAY, THE RESULTS GAVE A RESOUNDING VICTORY TO KEN JENNINGS.]
We were right 