A Trumpian Nightmare

So, the Orange Julius has been indicted in New York. Despite the prognostications of every media airbag who either knows how to speak or can barely type, no one knows how this indictment or any other future ones will turn out.

However, I have my suspicions. I present them here:

April, 2023 – Trump appears in Court to face the music (or, at least, the overture). Repeating the words that one of his long-time friends, O.J. used when in the same position, Trumptells the Judge he’s “definitely not guilty.” The fears of mob violence turn out to be unfounded. The only trouble with the crowd is the arrest of Lindsay Graham outside the courthouse for pocketing the donations he was collecting for the Trump defense. Meanwhile, at Times Square, in honor of the indictment, instead of a large ball, the other shoe drops. Trump’s popularity rises.

Summer, 2023 – Seeing the publicity that Alvin Bragg received, prosecutors all over the country rush to also charge Trump with crimes. These include tax fraud, money laundering and over-tanning.

Later Summer, 2023 -Trump’s popularity grows even higher.

Fall, 2023 – Producers of “The Bachelor” debut a new show called, “The Witness.” A variety of people testify about criminal activity that they say Trump did. Only one of the ‘Witnesses” is telling the truth. Contestants must guess which is the truthful witness. As it turns out, no one guesses right because everything bad that any of the Witnesses make up sounds like something Trump would do.

Winter, 2023 – The Justice Department indicts Trump for the insurrection and for stealing classified documents. Trump admits to his supporters that he did all of it, and that he  committed some other crimes that they haven’t even caught him for yet. 

Winter, 2023 – Trump’s popularity soars still higher.

Early Spring, 2024 – Trump’s boast about having committed other crimes becomes the first true thing he’s ever said. A plaque is placed at Mar A’ Lago to commemorate the occasion. The new indictments accuse him of running a child sex trafficking ring and murdering puppies. 

Late Spring, 2024 – Trump’s popularity reaches a new peak. 

Early Summer, 2024 – Trump receives the Republican Party Presidential nomination. Simultaneously, he is also named Man of the Year by the governments of Russia, China, Afghanistan, Angola, and many others.

Late Summer, 2024 – Trump’s popularity soars. 

Early Fall, 2024 – Trump actually does walk out into the middle of Fifth Avenue and then shoots and kills an innocent tourist. Trump’s popularity is greater than ever.

November, 2024 – Trump is elected President. Oddly, he receives every electoral vote. Investigations over this begin but are suddenly ended as soon as Trump takes office. Oddly, on Election Night, Trump does not appear. Instead, Vladimir Putin takes the stage to accept congratulations for the man he calls, “my best friend.” 

December, 2024 – Employing an historically unprecedented procedure, all of the criminal charges against Trump are merged together and he pleads “very guilty” to all of them. The plea is entered at 10:00 in the morning. At 11:00, the United States Supreme Court, by a 6-3 vote, finds all of the charges to be unconstitutional and orders Trump released. The Court reasons that the Constitution allows the government only to bring charges against human beings, and the prosecution never proved that Trump actually is among that species. However, for the same reasons, they let stand the charge of over-tanning.

Spring, 2025 – House Democrats bring Articles of Impeachment against Trump based on the remaining over-tanning charge. The Senate refuses to convict. They reason that no matter how bad Trump is, his Vice-President would worse. His Vice-President is Sean Hannity.