January 1 is New Year’s because Julius Caesar, in his inimitable unpretentious way, decided that the first portion of the year would be named after him. Even Orange Julius hasn’t proposed that. Well, not yet.
Anyway, like so many others, I follow here the tradition of Big Julie’s date and offer my hopes for the new year. May the year 2023 see each of these events occur:
- A member of Samuel Alito’s family has an unwanted pregnancy.
- A law is enacted banning all commercials that involve an Emu.
- The Camp LeJeune class action is settled but a new class action is filed by all those who had to suffer through the interminable announcements of the original class action.
- A national weight loss program: If you weigh more than the standard for your height and age, you must always walk outside without any clothes on. The constant mocking will encourage you to lose pounds.
- Scientists prove that broccoli causes cancer but ice cream cures it.
- A new rule says that if you can’t get a doctor’s appointment within two days of asking for one, it’s free.
- Another member of Samuel Alito’s family has an unwanted pregnancy.
- A new tax law says that if anyone spends more than five million dollars for a place to live, the amount over the five million has to be matched and contributed to low-cost housing.
- Political campaigns can last no more than three months. Separate channels are established during that time to carry all political ads. Time on those channels is free. No other political ads are allowed. This eliminates the need for money in politics.
- Every member of Samuel Alito’s family has an unwanted pregnancy.
We were right 
My neighbors are collectively pursuing a petition vehemently opposing your national weight loss program. Aside from that, great list. All the best to you in the new year!
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I don’t know what your neighbors look like, but I will oppose their petition. I want to point out that whatever they would look like under my weight loss plan, it wouldn’t matter. They wouldn’t be looking at themselves, that would be Trumpian. They would be able to focus only on the people that looked like they wanted people to look like. Hey, come to think of it, that’s Trumpian, too. Well, anyway, may you and your family have a magnificent new year. All the best.
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A law that requires Jim Jordan to show proof that he graduated from law school and that he owns a suit jacket
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