Assholiness

There is one thing that both sides in this divided nation can agree on – the country is full of assholes. 

In the spirit then, of asshole identification, here’s a suggested top ten list of the biggest assholes in the country today. They are evaluated by their AQ’s – you know, “Asshole Quotients.”

First, some qualifications. We all know our own assholes, both anatomically and personally. I have not included any of those. My list is limited to the assholes who permeate and decimate our public lives. Also, my rankings are arbitrary and subjective. The colossal AQ’s of all of these people render them virtually impossible to distinguish by degree. And, finally, Orange Julius doesn’t count. He had to be excluded because, obviously, his AQ is incomparable. He is in another league – a league that no one else qualifies for. It would be like including Jeffrey Dahmer on a list of famous eaters.   

So, all that being said, here we go. 

10. Donald Trump, Jr. – This jerk is rated way down on the list only because he is genetically incapable of being anything else. His brother is not on the list because, in all likelihood, he is not even a person.

9. Kevin McCarthy – Another who would have been ranked higher if he had any capacity for rational thought. He is an animal whose sole purpose is Kevin McCarthy, and who in their right mind would have that as a goal. 

8. Jim Jordan – This creature’s AQ is self-evidently manifested by the fact that no self-respecting suit jacket will go anywhere near him.

7. Roger Stone – No one can have this high an AQ by natural means. There are two possibilities – either this clown is some form of supernatural anti-hero sent here to turn politics into science-fiction; or he actually knows what he’s doing and enjoys the theater. In any case, he must be penalized at least a few AQ points.

6. Ted Cruz – Need more be said?

5. Rudy Giuliani – Based strictly on AQ, Crazy Rudy could have been ranked much higher. He received de-merits, however, because he is impotent, not only because of his inept attempt at seduction in the Borat movie, but also because he is so transparently loony that even the sickest of the MAGA crowd laugh at him.

4. Bill Barr – Now we’re starting to get into the monsters whose AQ becomes increasingly stratospheric because they have or had enormous power. Generations hence with howl with disbelief when taught that a people who claimed to be a country with laws aimed at justice had a Bill Barr in charge of the Justice Department.

3. Stephen Miller – Remember him? Would that the world had nothing to ever remember him for. Of course, he was one of Trump’s closest advisors who looked as if he had been drawn by Gahan Wilson and whose every waking moment was spent making sure that America stayed white. That he sadly was actually able to significantly influence national policy is, ironically and appropriately, a black mark on the country.

2. Sean Hannity – The clear winner of the Herman Goebbels Award for Propaganda, and anyone whose name can be associated with Goebbels has an AQ worthy of a rodent. When the AQ was first developed, no one thought it was possible for anyone to top 1000. Horrendous Hannity soared past this landmark level and didn’t look back. It is impossible to physically provide the Award to him because his head cannot be removed from Trump’s ass.

1.Alex Jones – It is abhorrent enough for any fiend to spread lies in order to convince the gullible that up is down and east is west. There is something, though, that makes the AQ of this creep so astronomical that it has landed him here in the winner’s circle. If only instead of this worthless blob of protoplasm telling the world that the Sandy Hook children never existed, he had never existed.

So, what do you think?