The Suddenly Rational Heroes

As we watch the January 6 Committee continue to parade all of these Trump officials in front of us, it is amazing how, after they have followed the Orange Menace for so many years, they have suddenly, and en masse, seen the light. Has that concerned you at all? Have you wondered why these supposed “heroes” didn’t realize what kind of a monster they were working for until now?

Well, concern yourselves no more. We have discovered that these Trump loyalists did something else as a group – they all submitted the same form resignation letter. Luckily, we have a copy of it, and we want to share it with you.

Dear Mr. President:

            This is a very difficult letter for me to write. I have been an ardent supporter of yours since the ride down the escalator at Trump Tower. I have admired your work and I have been proud to be even a small part of it. For example,

• That first speech you gave when you labeled Mexicans as rapists.  That just gave me goose bumps
• When you bragged about grabbing women’s crotches -oh, My God -who doesn’t want a President who talks like that?
• When you preferred to agree with Vladimir Putin about Russian election interference rather than the opinion of your own – and the world’s best – intelligence agencies. What’s better for national security than to wrongly tell the world that your security apparatus sucks? That was brilliant.
• When you separated children from their parents at the border. Boy, why should a family undergoing a totally traumatic experience be allowed to deal with it together? Your policy was so right.
• When you took us out of the Paris Climate Accords. Hell, who wants to join with the world to help the planet survive? I didn’t think I could be prouder of you, but when you did this, wow! I coughed for days in admiration.
• The many times you used your Presidency to line your own pockets. You know what I mean – the fees at Mar-A-Lago, the use of the D.C. Trump Hotel, Ivanka’s patents in China. You are an entrepreneurial genius. The Constitution should never get in the way of a good bottom line.
• And, of course, your handling of the Covid crisis. When you suggested drinking bleach, I thought that was pure brilliance. My mother-in-law was suffering from Covid at the time, so I gave her a dose of Clorox. She died immediately, but I am convinced that her death was much less painful than it would have been had she let Covid get her. Thank you.

I hope you realize from this recitation, the esteem in which I hold you.

 Nevertheless, I must resign. I had no idea that you might be capable of an event like the insurrection. What had you possibly done in the past that would have given me any indication that you could let such a thing happen? Everything you had done up until that point had shown me nothing but honesty and wisdom. Maybe I was wrong, but I thought your greatest asset was your respect for the law. 

Leaving this job is difficult for me for so many reasons. Most outstanding is that I now find myself unemployed for the first time since my internship with the Aryan Brotherhood in high school. I have devoted years to you. And now I must leave you. What are my options? Well, here are some of the things I will be doing so far:

1. I have a contract with MSNBC to become one of their talking heads and, if I do well, I may get my own show; and

• A syndicator will place my regular column in  a variety of media; and.

• I have a book deal for almost as much as the pro golfers are getting to join the Saudi LIV  tour.

And, by the way, please employ the procedure we always used for the communications you got from your girlfriends. Destroy this letter after you read it. 

All the best.

Every Suddenly Rational Hero