With so many of today’s actual events sounding as if they were made up by someone who’d just gobbled down too many gummies, it is hard to know what really is happening and what isn’t. Pretty soon, we may even see these reports:
Today, President Donald J. Trump claimed victory in his war with Iran. He did so despite not having achieved any of his stated goals. The President also claimed victory in his wars with Brunei, the Cook Islands and Eswatini although no such wars existed. Not done, however, Mr. Trump also claimed that he had won the Masters. OR
After the taping of his HBO show last night, Bill Maher was surreptitiously caught conceding that he had actually been mistaken about something. He did not, of course admit that to another person. Instead, he was overheard through the door of his dressing room whispering to his reflection in the mirror, “Oh, Bill. Oh, you great one. I must confess that I have erred. Despite my towering intellect and my Twain-like wit, I do err, almost never, but I do. Tonight, on the show, I introduced “Naom Chomsky” ‘Naom Chumsky.’ I haven’t been that badly wrong since I took that lunch with Trump. OR
In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Secretary of the Treasury, Scott Bessent, is not a human being. After Bessent had been standing for over four hours waiting for the President to say anything remotely true, his head exploded. It actually, literally, exploded. Pieces of metal and wiring and computer parts were spewn everywhere. Reporters set aside their shock long enough to ask the President what had just happened? “You people really are low-IQ, aren’t you?” the President answered. “Wasn’t it so obvious to you all along? Did you ever think that creature was a person? My God, no human could sit up that straight unless they had a backbone of iron (except me – I have a backbone of iron).” The pieces of Mr. Bessent were swept up and discarded. When asked why, The White House explained, “We were considering sending them for scientific study. But we decided not to in support of the President’s policy against anyone learning anything.” OR
The MIT School of Behavioral Science has been studying the popularity of FOX News resident satirist, Greg Gutfeld. Next to the meaning of the universe, the question of why anyone finds Gutfeld funny has baffled Social Scientists for years. MIT has now analyzed everything that Gutfeld has ever said and run it through an AI program that measures humor. MIT has now issued a report in which in it asserts that it has solved this scientific problem of the size of Gutfeld’s audience. The Report recites that of over six hundred thousand separate records of everything Gutfeld has said, only one of them registered as “somewhat funny”. MIT compared audience approval of the unfunny comments compared to their reaction to the one funny comment. When the results came in, there were high-fives all around in the MIT lab. The results said just what they thought they would. As they assumed. Gutfeld’s audience thought his unfunny comments were funny and that his funny one wasn’t. MIT’s Report concluded, “Gutfeld’s audience simply has no “sense” of humor.
Today, the White House announced that last night while having dinner, Stephen Miller suddenly realized that he was eating Mexican food. As a result, he immediately had himself deported. It is unclear which country he sent himself to. When word of his removal was announced, Minnesota declared a state holiday. OR
We were right 