Scene: Somewhere Undefined. A Bar. Two figures are sitting across from each other in a booth sharing a bottle of something also undefined. Both are bearded and dressed in robes. They are Moses and Allah.
Moses: I thought it would be a good idea if we had a little talk.
Allah: Agreed. I was going to call you, but you got to me first. I assume you’ve been watching what’s going on down there.
Moses: Tough to miss.
Allah: Unfortunately. And Disgusting. And all in our names, too.
Moses: I thought the ideas we gave them were pretty clear. How could these clowns possibly think that they justify this lunacy? It’s a mystery to me.
Allah: So true, Mo. And so strange. We’re supposed to be the mystery to them, and they’ve become the mystery to us.
Moses: (as he pours himself another drink). Well, Al, not entirely a mystery. It was a great idea, this notion to let us have our own land. Forgive the expression, but “God knows” we really needed it with all the shit we’ve had to suffer through. It was just always pretty obvious that putting it where they did wasn’t exactly the best idea.
Allah: Yeah. You’re telling me. Did you ever meet Edward Said. He’s up here now. Pretty smart guy. Was a Professor at Columbia. He’s a Palestinian-American. I was talking to him the other day. He pointed me to something he had written some forty years ago. It’s very much like what you said. Here’s how it goes:
“I had raised the question as to whether an alien immigrant population of European Jews, claiming communal or national rights in Palestine, on the basis of what God said and what an imperial power had promised them, could ever have avoided a clash with an indigenous Arab population already resident there, and unanimously against a Jewish homeland being set up on what they considered to be their land.”
Moses: Exactly, Al, and said much better than I did. It was always inevitable.
Allah: (chugging down his drink) You bet. And not because my people hated your people, at least not any more than any people unfortunately hate any other, people. We just didn’t want people taking our land away and throwing us off of it. Can’t blame us, can you? I mean, The Holocaust was a horror show, no question. But we didn’t do it. So why were we the ones paying for it. It pissed us off. Why our land? It’s not exactly Honolulu, which wouldn’t have been such a bad choice for you, by the way. We would have taken that one in a swap.
Moses: All good points, Al. But we did have that history. Like you said, The Holocaust and all, and that was just the most recent atrocity. And Israel is a big part of our history. It’s where we once were free and in charge, and for the only time for thousands of years. Important soil.
Allah: C’mon, Mo. Honolulu?
Moses: And come to think of it, I’m at least partly to blame for this. I’m the one who had a hand in creating that history in the first place. I’m the one who took them there. I could have told those folks to go anywhere. The believed whatever I said. Hell, they bought that I was having conversations with a burning bush (a pause and then in a more resentful tone). But I did it right, Al. Don’t try to convince me that I didn’t.
Allah: (with his hands up and in a soothing tone). Hey, Mo, let’s not us argue about it, too. If anyone should be able to understand how stupid their battle is down there, it’s us up here. We gave them the rules and they are the right rules. There’s Qur’an 59:23 that says that peace is one of the names of God himself. It says, “He is God, other than whom there is no god, the King, the Holy, the Peace, the Defender, the Guardian, the Mighty, the Omnipotent, the Supreme.”
Moses: Boy, you do like to go on in that Qur’an of yours’, don’t you? How many names did you give the guy?
Allah: I think you’re missing the point.
Moses: No I’m not. I’m only kidding. I get it. Why shouldn’t I? We have the same stuff in our books – the Five Books with my name on them. In Exodus – not the movie but the book – it says, “The Lord will fight for you; you have only to be still.” And then there is Psalms 68:30 where it says, “Scatter the nations who delight in war.” Those folks down there really didn’t listen to that one. They didn’t scatter these warring nations, they put them next to each other.”
Allah: I know your books. We like them, too. I particularly like what Isiah had to say: “They shall beat their swords into ploughshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war no more.” (then after a pause) So, Mo, what are we going to do about it?
Moses: Beats me. These people have gone so far afield from the teachings of their religious labels that I just think we’ve lost our influence. They are so caught up in their labels that they have forgotten what they mean.
Allah: If they ever knew.
Moses: If they ever knew.
(They both pour themselves another drink, clink their glasses together and then chug them down)
Moses: So, Al, you going to Buddha’s party tonight?
Allah: Sure. But where is it? I forget.
Moses: His place – Chubbie’s. You going?
Allah: Wouldn’t miss it. He always has the best food. But you have to get to it before he does.
(They both laugh heartily)
Moses: Well, maybe he or one of the other guys will have a better idea about how to fix this mess.
Allah: Yeah. Strange. Down there, they think they’re worshipping us by living nothing like us.
Moses: I guess we didn’t do our job very well, did we?
Allah: Ah, nobody’s perfect, Mo. See you tonight.
Moses: See you tonight, Al. Should be a good time.
We were right 