We always hear everybody talking about “The Market.” We are told, for example, that “The Market hates uncertainty” and “The Market is engaged in a correction,” and other similar attributions of attitude to “The Market.” On the day of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, a news reporter said that stock prices first fell and then rose, “when the sanctions imposed were less draconian than The Market expected.
The Market has never before sat down for a formal interview. Fortunately, however, we were able to get in touch with it. After some cajoling, we were able to convince The Market to join us and answer a couple of questions. So, from the horse’s mouth, here is what The Market really thinks.
Us: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.
The Market: No problem. I have nothing else to do. I am, after all nothing but a fictional construct made up by people whose purposes I serve.
Us: Well, I just want you to know that we appreciate your being here.
The Market: So, where’s the booze you promised me?
Us: Oh, yes. (Speaking then to an assistant) Franklin, can you please bring the case of Chivas over? (Franklin delivers it)
The Market: (Grabs a bottle from the case and stares at the label) This is the 12-year-old shit. I asked for the 18-year-old.
Us: I know, sir, but we couldn’t . . . .
The Market: Oh, I should have known you would screw me. You are in the finance business after all. (Then he opens the bottle and ignoring the glass that was also placed in front of him, takes some gulps straight from the bottle.) Now, what do you want?
Us: Well, let me start with this – where do you see our economy going in the near term?
The Market: “Near Term?” What kind of bullshit jargon is that? Don’t you mean “short term.” That’s an example of another creation by you guys. It’s not enough for you to just create me. You have to create an entire other language in order to make what you do with me sound somehow difficult. I try to keep up with all the terms, but you keep making up new ones. I’m still trying to figure out how “selling a stock short” is any different from “betting against it.” And don’t get me started on Bitcoin.
Us: O.K., then. We’ll say, “short term.” What do you see in the “short term?”
The Market: I have no fucking idea. Don’t you get it yet? I just do what I’m told to do by you guys.
Us: Well, this sounds a little strange to me. Don’t you have any power?
The Market: Oh, I have power, all right. I have power like a bulldozer has power. You can use me to build or to destroy. But bulldozers have drivers. You drive me. You are the ones deciding what happens to me, not me deciding what happens to you.
Us: I’m not sure I understand.
The Market: Not surprising. Your one of those guys who drinks the Kool-Aid. Let me try to spell it out for you more specifically. You remember what happened to Peloton stock last December?
Us: I think so. Remind me.
The Market: Well, there’s this reboot of “Sex and the City” that’s on now. I don’t remember the name of it. I don’t watch pretend porn. I prefer the real thing. Anyway, one of the characters, a guy they call, “Mr. Big,” died on the show after he rode on a Peloton. And you know what happened? The next day, Peloton stock fell 11%. An 11% dip because of what happened to a character on a fictional tv show. Now, how dumb is that? Do you think I would do that? A whole lot of dumb people did that – either the dumb traders who can’t tell the difference between reality and tv, or the dumb people who the traders thought would stop buying Pelotons because of what happened on tv. Either way, dumb, dumb, dumb.
Us: So, you are saying that you aren’t that dumb?
The Market: (Now somewhat angry): No. I’m not saying that at all. I’m NOTHING! I don’t do things. I don’t feel things, and I certainly don’t think things. I am manipulated by the powerful in the same way that Trump was manipulated by Putin.
Us: But, sir, how can there be manipulation of the system? The SEC has very strict regulations.
The Market: (After a brief pause during which he just stares at us, then chuckles, then laughs loudly, and then leaves. But before he is completely out of the room, he turns and speaks) Have to go. Goldman Sachs is calling.
We were right 