The Envelope Please

The Academy Award nominations are out. Many of them are biopics of public figures of the past. It makes you wonder which present day public figures will be the subjects of movie biographies in the future, and what they will be like. Here are some possibilities. 

1. It Only Happened One Night. This tells the tale of the single occasion when Lindsay Graham slept with a woman. The drama will be captivating. Lindsay is chased by an angry mob, infuriated over the Senator’s insistence that Barron Trump be taken out of high school and placed on the Supreme Court. Graham is forced to take refuge in a broken-down motel. The facility was once a posh resort until a hurricane destroyed it and Lindsay helped deny any federal relief funds. Suddenly, a prostitute enters his room thinking that it is the place she was supposed to meet her john. She comes onto Lindsay, and he has no idea what to do. Then, in a surprise turn echoing the great flick “The Crying Game,” it turns out that the hooker is really a guy. Lindsay is happily relieved, and an evening of bliss ensues

• Apocalypse Always. Donatello of the Mutant Ninja Turtles stars as Mitch McConnell in a cartoon version of McConnell’s political career. He is shown from his earliest days as a power grabbing grade school candidate running for crossing guard. When his opponent tells the class that he also wants the job, Little Mitch cries and stamps his feet until the kid quits. He repeats this each time another kid tries to run against him. He learned from this experience and is shown utilizing it in various forms throughout his career. The tragic misuse of political power ensues.

• Raging Bullshit. In a casting coup, Donald Trump, Jr. plays his father and Michael Avenatti plays his father’s mentor, Roy Cohn, in this tour d’ force drama centering around President Trump’s early days. The producers were able to acquire the services of Trump, Jr., and Cohen as a condition of their prison sentences. The movie displays scenes of Cohn tutoring the young future destroyer of democracy. In the spirit of the mendacity that permeated the lives of both principals in the film, none of the facts of the events depicted are even close to true.

• It’s a Wonderful Life for Me. Oprah Winfrey stars in her own biopic.  She is also the producer, the writer, the director, the camera operator, and she portrays every character. The theme of the movie is Oprah’s modesty. We are shown how Ms. Winfrey thinks so little of herself that she would never tell others how to live. She examines the reasons why she feels so reluctant to take on roles that she knows others can do better. At the end of the film, you will feel so sorry for Oprah that you will want to contribute to her well-being. In order to accommodate that feeling, Oprah has arranged for each seat in the theater to be supplied with a computer screen on which money can immediately be sent to her on-line. More of Oprah’s extraordinarily undeserved wealth ensues.   

And, finally:

• Fiddler on the Proof. This is the musical version of the travails of Dr. Anthony Fauci as he “fiddled” with all of the variables trying to find the precise way of preventing disease during the Covid epidemic.  Fauci is played by Lin-Manuel Miranda, who also wrote the script. It tops even Manuel-Miranda’s completely fallacious dramatization of Alexander Hamilton’s life. You will be unable to stop tapping your feet to such “catchy” tunes as, “It Will Help You Lots If You Get Your Shots;” “You’re About To Crater If You Are On A Ventilator;” and, the big finale song, “I Should Have Told The Asshole To Drink The Bleach.” Dancing and laughing ensue.