The Transcript

It is reported that the new book by Bob Woodward and Robert Costa includes a story that Gen. Mark Milley, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was so worried about the mental stability of President Trump in the final days of his Administration, that he called his counterpart in China, Gen. Li Zuocheng of the People’s Liberation Army, to warn him about the possibility of a nuclear attack.

Many have disputed this account. Well, the disputes will last no longer. We have uncovered the actual transcript of that now infamous phone call.  For the first time anywhere, it is right here for you lucky readers to see.

Milley (calling one of his aides on his secure line): Hey, Col. Analfabeto, what’s the name of the head of the Chinese army?

Col. Alfanabeto: You mean Li Zutocheng? 

Milley: (reception on the secure is phone breaking up so Milley hear’s “Lou Zinken”) Yeah. Lou Zinken.

Analfabeto: Lou Zinken, sir?

Milley: You heard me.

Analfabeto: Yes, sir.  (Then, after a few minutes) General, I have your call on the phone.

Milley: Good to speak with you. I hope you and your family are well.

Zinken: Vell, ve are doing nice vit all of the problems. Alvays problems.

Milley: Yes, we all have many problems, sir. That’s why I’m calling you.

Zinken: Oh, vonderful. You mean you can help me vith my problems?

Milley: I’ll will certainly try.

Zinken: Vonderful. Ever since dis Covid sickness, I’m getting nobody into my deli. I have corned beef turning green and don’t ask me about my pastrami.

Milley: Excuse me.  Are you not the head of the Peoples Liberation Army of China?

Zinken: China? Liberation? I run Lou’s Deli on Switzen Street in Bayonne.

Milley: My apologies. Wrong call. Good luck with you cured meats. (Milley hangs up). Analfabeto, you fucked up here. I wanted the head of the Chinese military.

Analfabeto: My apologies, sir, but I heard, “Lou Zinken.” The head of the Chinese military is Li . . .

Milley: I know who the fuck he is. Your mistake, Colonel. You are one more mistake away from an assignment as a translator for whatever it is that Ted Cruz says. It wasn’t my mistake. I never make a mistake. I am the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. You don’t get this job by making mistakes.

Analfabeto: (with a smirk) Of course, sir. I will get you Li Zuocheng this time. (A few minutes later) General, Li Zuocheng is on the phone.

Milley: (Before he picks up the phone) Finally. (He picks up the phone) Li, how wonderful to speak with you again.

Li: Yeah, I guess.  Depends on what you want to talk about.

Milley: Oh, Li, don’t be such a Debby Downer.

Li: Debby Downer? I am a man, General. Who is this Debby Downer?

Milley: Don’t you get SNL over there?

Li: SNL? Yes, we have an SNL policy that applies to our restaurants. Strictly No Lox.

Milley: No, sir. I meant Saturday Night Live. I thought you got that show.  Our intelligence services must have given me a bum turn.

Li: What a surprise. 

Milley: Anyway, Li, you may have been following the news here.

Li: (looking over at the aides in his office who are monitoring every conversation from the Pentagon and the White House) Yes, General. We try. We watch Fox. Fair and Balanced.

Milley: Right, yeah. Well, you know, our President is very upset about the results of the election. I mean, veryupset. And when he gets upset, well . . .  he’s even more unpredictable than he is when he’s not upset.

Li: General, you don’t have to mince words with me.

Milley: OK. He’s fucking out of his mind.

Li:  Do you think we don’t know that? Only people in your country don’t know that. Let me tell you something. When he came here to visit our Premier, before the State Dinner, when there were no cameras around, he asked what the wooden sticks next to the plates were for. Before anyone could answer, he stuck them up his nose and said he was an albino.  We thought, “Albino”? Then we realized what he was trying, sadly, to say. “No sir,” our Premier said, “I think you mean Rhino.” Your President’s face showed no comprehension. “Whatever you say,” he answered and dove his nose with the chopsticks into his Diet Pepsi.  The man is a moron.

Milley: Well, I’m not sure I can go that far . . . but

Li: I can go even further. When we showed him the Great Wall, he told us that his wall on the Mexican border would be bigger and more beautiful and that he understood why our wall was shorter because, after all, we gooks are all so short. Great diplomat your moron is. So, what are you going to tell us that this imbecile of yours is going to do now?

Milley: I don’t know what he’ll do, but he was mumbling today about ordering a nuclear attack on you. When I asked him if this would be a “Wag the Dog,” tactic, he said, “I don’t have a dog. Who am I going to wag? And I hate dogs. I like hot dogs, but I like hamburgers better.” I didn’t know how to answer that, so I am calling to tell you that if he orders a nuclear attack, I will do everything I can do to warn you.

Li: That is very kind of you, General. It is appreciated. I would like to return the favor, but I’m sure you understand that as long as you have that Orange Maniac as your leader, we cannot warn you. A country as powerful as yours’ with a leader as irrational as yours’, cannot be allowed to have the power to destroy. 

Milley: Understood. Always good talking to you. Oh, and one more thing. While I have you on the phone, can you answer something for me?

Li: Sure.

Milley: What is Moo Goo Gai Pan?

Li: (hangs up)