The Leader’s Headquarters were now directly in front of him. The flight had taken a bit longer than PL29XO had anticipated. Heavier traffic than usual. He landed, shuffled the ideas in his head so they were in the order he wanted, and sent himself to the Leader’s Innermost Circular Office.
The Leader greeted PL29XO with a warm smile. This put PL29IO at ease. He began his report.
“Dear Leader,” he began, “As you instructed, I surveyed the Americans on the planet they call, ‘Earth.’ I have to start, sir, by saying that I hope you believe what I am about to tell you. It’s very . . . . well . . . . it’s a very crazy place.”
“PPIO, of course, I believe you. The laws of our galaxy require that you tell me the truth or the Planetary Potentate will impose punishment ranging from a slap on the putsttuz to the surgical removal of one of your typwqn, and you can’t even imagine how much that surgery hurts.”
“I understand, sir. So, O.K., let me start with the one they called their ‘President.’ At first, I did not know this term, ‘President.’ By watching the one they gave that name to, I assumed it meant “The One Most Dumb.” Each time the man spoke, he made less and less sense. Some people laughed at him, so that confirmed my first suspicion. But, Dear Leader, I was very, very wrong. After a while, it became clear that the people, even the ones that laughed at him, had bestowed this man with more power than anyone else. He made the rules. He had weapons that could destroy everything. It was astounding!”
“Hmmmmm,” was all that the Leader said. So, PL29XO continued.
“And before I move on from this “President’, sir, there’s one more thing about him. He would have had thousands of his typwqns removed. Here, as you say, we are required to tell the truth. This ‘President’ of theirs absolutely never told the truth. No matter how blatant, he lied and lied and lied.”
“And this stupid liar is still their leader?”
“Well, not as the President, sir, but he’s still very important. And even when the people chose a new President, he still lied about that. He claimed that they had chosen him. And, after all the lying and lying and lying, a lot of the Americans believed him. And these Americans attacked their Palace and tried to kill their other leaders. Sir, these people are impossible to fathom.”
The Leader spoke, “Sounds like it, PL29XO. But, there must have been other events that might also bear on what the Americans are like.”
“Well, yes, sir. But, they don’t paint any better of a picture.
“Go on.”
“A lot of them – a whole lot of them – carry deadly weapons.”
“You mean, like here, their armies carry these weapons?”
“No sir, not just the army. Not like here at all. All kinds of people have them.
“Well, that must be illegal, right?”
“That’s what I mean about how crazy that place is, sir. Not only is it not illegal, their right to have them is said to be enshrined in their most basic law. And if anyone tries to change that law, the people go crazy as if their typwqns were being removed.”
“I don’t understand” the Leader said, realizing now why PL29XO had said his report was going to be so hard to believe.
“They claim that their very freedom includes the freedom to shoot these things,” PL29X0 answered. “And they go around shooting them at each other. In some cities, thousands of people were killed just while I was there.”
“O.K. PL29XO,” the Leader said, checking the hour calculator embedded in his eyes, “Your time is almost up. Give me one more finding.”
“I saved this for last, sir. I found this one to be the most disturbing.”
“I can’t wait to hear it,” the Leader said in a tone that would have been under his breath if he actually had breath.
“They hate each other because on what color they are.”
The Leader interrupted. “Wait, now PL29XO. That can’t be. You are testing my trust in you. Everyone here is of a different color. It is an essential part of our individualism. Who wants to be the same color as someone else? How boring?”
“I told you, sir. These Americans are the most irrational beings I have ever met or studied. They even just had a big event where a white policeman was filmed killing a black man by was kneeling on his neck for almost ten minutes while the black man screamed that he couldn’t breathe and called for his mother. Then, when the policeman was obviously found guilty of the murder that everybody clearly saw, the Americans rejoiced as if they didn’t expect that it would happen.”
The Leader sighed and shook his head. “You are right, PL29XO. Those Americans are truly a crazy people.”
We were right 