Rush To Judgment

The clouds separate and the new applicant appears before the Pearly Gates.

Gatekeeper: (shuffling papers):Are you Limbaugh?

Rush: Of course, I am. Everyone knows me. 

Gatekeeper: Not here. (Shuffling more papers).

Rush: You’re kidding me, right? Look over your head. Your Gates have my call-letters on them – EIB – Excellence In Broadcasting. 

Gatekeeper: Oh, no. I was told that you think everything is about you. No, the EIB over the Gate is hardly intended to welcome the likes of you. It means, Enter If Blameless. 

Rush: Understandable mix-up, I guess.

Gatekeeper: Not really. Anyway, let’s get down to business. You’re the radio guy, huh?

Rush: The best and most famous. Here I am.

Gatekeeper: Well, let’s see if you’ll stay. It says in my notes that during the Obama campaign in 2007, you aired a song called, “Barack the Magic Negro” about Obama’s popularity with white people. Is that right?

Rush: Oh, yeah. My audience loved it. Very popular there.

Gatekeeper. Not here. Racism isn’t our thing. Is it also true that you said, “when a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult, it’s an invitation.”

Rush: Sure, I did. Funny and true, isn’t it?

Gatekeeper: Not as far as we’re concerned. Homophobia is also one of our no-no’s up here. (Looksdown at his papers).Wow, there’s a whole list of things here. Racism, homophobia, and, of course, you apparently didn’t leave out sexism. You actually said that a college woman was a slut and a prostitute just because she was in favor of birth control?

Rush: Yeah. But, I apologized later. I actually may have over-stepped on that one.

Gatekeeper: Ya think? And I have lists and lists of more of these hate-mongering things you said. So, let me ask you something. Did you really mean any of that stuff?

Rush: Well, it never really mattered. I got great ratings. Number one.

Gatekeeper: And the ratings you so prized made you a lot of money, I guess.

Rush: Oh, yeah. Ooooh, yeah. Fistfuls. And so many country club memberships that I couldn’t list them for you. And cars. And women, yeah, women. Look at me, I’m no hunk. But,  saying all that stuff got me layyyyy…… whoops, excuse me. Well you know what I mean.

Gatekeeper: No worries. We know just what you mean.

Rush: And I almost forgot. I got the Congressional Medal of Freedom, the country’s highest civilian honor.

Gatekeeper: And it was given to you by a President who wouldn’t know honor if it was sending him a check. 

Rush: We’ll, that’s your opinion.

Gatekeeper: It’s an opinion that matters. You see, it’s up to me who gets in here, and I can tell you now that you ain’t admitted. In fact, the only reason you got this far is because there is another guy who surpasses you for dangerous, egotistical obnoxiousness. 

Rush: Trump?

Gatekeeper: You guys never figured Trump out did you? He won’t be judged here. He’s not a person. We created him to be the worst possible metabolic creature that ever existed. He was a test. Those  who followed him are in for a rude awakening. Those, like you, who aided him are in for even worse.

Rush: (nervous now) So, so, who’s the person that’s worse than me.

Gatekeeper: A guy named Cruz

Rush: Then, what happens to me now?

Gatekeeper: I want you to think about all the people you hurt with all the things you said and did – all the hate you engendered – all the pain you caused for folks you viciously slandered. There are hundreds of thousands of those people, maybe millions. A lot of them are up here now. A good load of them are here because they could no longer stand their lives and that was all because of you.

(At that moment, hordes of people emerge from beyond the gates. They are staring at Rush with eyes 

dedicated to revenge and mouths watering.)

Gatekeeper: And here they are, Rush. (he waves at the horde)All right, folks. Have at him.