A Presidential Carol

(SCENE): THE LINCOLN BEDROOM DURING THE EVENING OF JANUARY 18, 2021. SOON-TO-BE EX-PRESIDENT TRUMP IS LYING IN BED. HE IS UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING HE USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THERE. HE CAN’T SLEEP BECAUSE HE IS SO ANGRY. HE CAN’T TWEET BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN TOSSED OFF TWITTER. AND HE CAN’T HAVE A WOMAN BECAUSE EVEN THE BIMBOS HE USED TO SLEEP WITH WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

SUDDENLY, HE NOTICES A RUSTLING OF THE WINDOW DRESSING AND THEN SEEMS TO SEE THREE APPARITIONS APPEAR IN FRONT OF HIM.

Trump: Who the fuck are you? If you’re here to collect money, forget it. I’m tapped out and I’ll sue you for even trying.

Apparition: No. We’re not here to collect money.  We’re here to thank you.

Trump: Thank me?  You don’t look like the kind of people who like me.  Where are your guns?  Where are your Klan suits?

Apparition: We like you for different reasons, asshole. Let me introduce us. I’m James Buchanan. Next to me is Andrew Johnson and next to him is Warren Harding.

Trump:  What is this? Fucking Halloween? I don’t like Halloween. I only like to do the trick part, but I refuse to give out treats.

James Buchanan:It’s not Halloween.  We are the spirits of the Presidents that historians rank as the worst of all time.  Because it is now clear that you are the worst President the country has ever had, we have come here to thank you for raising us up in rank. You see, for over a hundred years, I’ve been called the worst of all time. I supported the Dred Scott decision, and I caused the economic Panic of 1857 when 5000 businesses failed. That’s chicken shit compared to the crap you’ve done. And I was never impeached. I bow to your ineptitude. 

Warren Harding: Hey, big man. Most people know how bad I was, but I doubt that you do. History is not your strong suit. Not sure what is. Anyway, you ever hear about the Teapot Dome? That was me. Ever hear about the President who had sex with a girlfriend in a closet near the Oval Office? Clinton wasn’t the only one. And make him look like a piker. That closet thing was only one of my many affairs. And I was never impeached. Now, you’ve taken Presidential political corruption and sexual infidelity to entirely new heights. I bow to your ineptitude

Andrew Johnson: Yeah, Donnie. I’ve got to thank you. I’ve been a laughing stock for 150 years. I let the south go back to their racist policies after the Civil War, and I vetoed a civil rights act, and I had slaves, and I ignored laws I was supposed to follow, and even after all that, I only got impeachedonce.  Then, I got elected to the Senate.  Fat chance you’ll ever win an election again. I bow to your ineptitude.

Trump: (shaken) And what’s that stuff on the side next to you?

Buchanan: Oh, Donnie boy, that’s the best part. Those are the chains and bells that we’ve had to carry around to punish us for being the worst Commanders-in-Chief of all time.  Now, because of you, they have been removed from us. They are waiting for you. You will be someday begin wearing them for eternity, or until someone surpasses your failures, something, we’re told, will never happen.  So, as a token of our gratitude, we want to sing you a song.

Buchanan, Johnson and Harding (in unison, to the tune of Jingle Bells):

Thank you, Don

Thank you, Don

Now that you’re the worst

We don’t have to bear the brunt

Of the bells which we’ve been cursed

You’re so bad

You’re the pits

So dumb and ego driven

You’ve done your best to do the worst

You’ll never be forgiven

Trump: Fake news! I demand a re-count!!!!!