I Beg Your Pardon

The media is rife with reports about how Orange Julius is contemplating numerous Pardons in his final days. No one knows when, or even if, this will really happen.  I assume it will. In fact, I can see it happening like this.

December 18, 2020 – Making good on the speculation that President Trump would issue many Pardons, today he did just that.  He issued Pardons to himself, Donald Jr., Eric, Ivanka and Jarod Kushner. The Pardon covers, in its own words, “anything and everything that they might have done even though they never did anything.” While announcing the Pardons, the President said, “I didn’t realize how easy this would be.  I should have done it sooner. It was fun.”

December 22, 2020 – Proving that he really did enjoy issuing Pardons, today the President issued another – this time for Rudy Giuliani. In part, the Pardon says it encompasses, “all the wrongs that he has ever done, too long to list here, but everyone knows what they are, well, maybe everyone except Rudy.”

December 23, 2020 – The President went back to his family for another Pardon today.  This time it was his son, Baron. The document says, “I hereby Pardon Baron Trump from all the times he told his mother what an asshole I am. Also, given that I’m his father, he must have done a hell of lot of other stuff wrong.”

December 25, 2020 – As part of his Christmas message, President Trump continued his barrage of Pardons with a new and strange one. “Today,” he said, “I hereby issue a Pardon to Judas Iscariot. He wasn’t such a bad guy. What did he do wrong? He turned his back on a friend? Big deal. I do it every day.”

December 31, 2020 – The President kept the Pardons coming today. This one was for Arnold Schwarzenegger. In its declaration, the Pardon explains that Mr. Schwarzenegger’s offense was to achieve only horrible, horrible ratings when taking over “The Apprentice” from the President. It says further, “but he deserves to be Pardoned for that otherwise unpardonable sin because no human being, alive or dead, can possibly succeed after following Donald Trump in any office.” The implicit political message here was not lost on anyone.

January 1, 2021 – If we didn’t know that Trump didn’t drink, we might think that today’s Pardon was a mistake made during a gigantic New Year’s Eve bender. But, no. It’s for real. The President has now Pardoned Jeffrey Dahmer, the mass murderer and cannibal. In explaining this Pardon, the President issued a statement saying, “I always felt Jeffrey and I had a lot in common. We have no sense of respect for life and we love to eat red meat.”

January 19, 2021 – Soon to be ex-President Trump could not let his last day in office go by without another Pardon. This one may be the most unexpected. Today, he Pardoned Mr. Magoo.  When asked at his final press conference why he did that, the President said, “The man went through life not seeing what was plainly in front of him and so destroying everything in his path. I can relate. I admire that trait in people.” After the conference was over, the President refused to attend the Biden Inauguration and caught an Aeroflot jet to parts unannounced but assumed.