The Secession Obsession

My wife is a very smart person. Her judgments are invariably perceptive.  Well, except one. She married me. But, that was 45 years ago. She’s entitled to one mistake every half century or so.

She’s got this idea that may be one of her best. It is her suggestion for what to do in case of the nightmare of a Trump re-election. The idea is secession.

Look at a map of the United States. Here’s one.  This one shows the states that are expected to go for Biden and those that are expected to make the biggest mistake of their lives.

What do you notice about this map? Look at the blue states. They run up and down the two coasts. Yes, that’s one thing. But, there’s another. The other thing, the most important thing, is: they are connected in a chain to Canada. Joined together, they could easily slip into becoming part of our neighbor to the north. The western link would become one new Province and the eastern link could be another.

What would you rather be? A subject of the second and even less restrained term of King Donald and his Mental Munchkins or a new neighbor of the people of the north who are known best for being nice?  Not even close, huh?

Would Canada want this to happen? They would jump at it faster than they sweep those brooms for no apparent reason when they play curling. Look what they are getting. The industrial northeast brings its economic advantages. California brings Hollywood. A lot of movies are made in Vancouver now. Let them start building a “Vancouver” sign into the side of Mount Seymour.  On the other hand, they also might get Georgia hillbillies and Florida retirees, but, hey, you don’t get all red M&M’s in a pack.

And here’s another great aspect of this proposal. Just imagine how totally pissed off the Orange Menace will be. Not since someone stole his hair gel has he been that angry.

Not satisfied yet? Picture in your mind the person who would lead us if we became Canada – Justin Trudeau – his finely carved features enhanced by his dark, sultry hair and his sparking eyes.  Then picture Trumpy. Need I even explain?

And not sold even yet? Well, if we do this, we don’t even have to leave our homes. There’s a lot of talk about moving to Canada.  This avoids that. You can still go to your local school; to your favorite restaurant. Your kids will know where you live.

Now, is this a practical possibility? No. Is it the stuff that can make your body tingle when you fantasize about it? Abso-fucking-lutely. And who knows? Did the Founding Fathers give up because their dream was impractical? Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? (Whoops, lapsed into a little Animal House there).

So, let us hope and pray that God will not look upon us, see grave sins as he once did in Sodom and Gomorrah (two towns that must have been a laugh a minute) and punish us, not with physical destruction but, worse, with Trumpian re-election. But, on the chance that such a disaster happens, don’t take to the streets, take to the cold. Take to the snow. Buy some hockey sticks.