The New Queen For A Day

Sean Hannity: Welcome, everyone to the first episode of Fox’s New Queen For A Day.  Those of you who make up most of our audience are old enough to remember the original show from the 1950’s where people came on and described their problems.  Then, the audience would pick the one they thought was the most deserving and that person would be given a prize – usually a dish washer.  Well, we at Fox have come up with an updated version of that show. People will appear here and tell us their troubles. But, instead of having the audience choose the winner, we have the perfect person to serve that role.  We have the man whose opinions are unfailingly correct; whose judgment is unerring and whose intelligence is unsurpassed.  Our Queen will be chosen by none other than the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

[Sounds of tremendous cheering and applause]

Trump: Thank you very much, Sean for that introduction. You didn’t mention how rich I am, though.

Sean: Sorry, Mr. President. Yes, of course, you are also the world’s richest person.

Trump: Of course.  I just don’t want people to forget that.

Sean: O.K. Well, let’s get started. Our first contestant is from Topeka, Kansas. Her name is Sarah Jessup.

Sarah:  (weeping) Well, Sean, As you can see, I am a black woman.  I once had a wonderful family – a husband and son.  My husband had a good job. My son was about to graduate high school and go to college on a science scholarship.  Then, one day, after my husband picked up my son from science club their car was stopped by police. The police accused them of a crime they had nothing to do with. Each time my husband and son insisted that they knew nothing about it, the police got madder and madder until the cops dragged them out of the car and beat them.  My husband later died of his injuries and my son was paralyzed. The police admitted their mistake, but because of qualified immunity, I lost my lawsuit.  I now have no breadwinner in the house and I can’t take care of my paralyzed son.

Sean:  Well, Sarah, that certainly is quite a sob story. Let’s ask the President what he thinks.

Trump: I don’t believe a word of it. Sounds to me like a made-up story. That stuff just doesn’t happen. Who’s next?

Sean: Thank you, Mr. President. Next, we have James Walker from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  James, let’s hear your story.

James: Thank you, Sean. My story is very much like the story of so many others recently. I have lost my wife and my sister to the Caronavirus. Not only that, but my three-year-old son has now tested positive and has been hospitalized. I had a breakdown trying to deal with all of this and can’t work. Our insurance has run out.  I need help.

Sean: Mr. President?

Trump: Where do you get these people? What does he mean he “needs help?” The virus is gone and, anyway, anyone who wants help can get it. Fake news.  Don’t you have anyone with real problems?

Sean:  Well, we have one more contestant.  Let’s hear his story.  It’s Walter VonReuther III and he’s from New York City.  Walter, the stage is yours.

Walter: I have a terrible problem. I am the Chairman and CEO of a publicly traded company. We earn many billions of dollars a year and I make over 100 million annually myself. However, I have now been notified that I am under investigation by the Justice Department for money laundering and stock fraud. My lawyer advised me not to get into the merits of the allegations, but, it’s obvious that if this investigation is allowed to proceed, I could lose a lot of what I have. I might even lose one of my four houses.  I’m here hoping the President can help me.

Sean: Well, Mr. President, is this something you feel is worthy of your help?

Trump: It sure is, Sean.  Now, that’s a real problem.  Sounds like a witch-hunt to me.

Sean:  So, sir, do we have a winner?

Trump:  What’s the CEO’s name again?

Sean: Walter VonReuther III

Trump: Well, Mr. Third, I have one question for you.  Did you contribute to my campaign?

Walter: I certainly did.  I gave the maximum personally, gave two million to a PAC and made all of my executives give the maximum themselves.

Trump: Perfect. O.k. Then, here’s what I can do for you. I hereby issue you a full pardon for anything you have ever done and anything you may do in the future. 

Walter: (pulling out his checkbook) How can I thank you?

Trump: I’ll talk to you after the show.

Sean: Well, that does it.  Another example of the wisdom of our President.  Tune in next week when our Dear Leader will again reward the most deserving among us.  Until then, remember the Fox motto: “Turn Your Brain Off When You Turn Us On.”