It’s 1861. The country is in turmoil. Instead of being about to listen to the intelligence, judgment, eloquence and wisdom of Abraham Lincoln, the President who is now about to take questions from the press is the great-great-great grandfather of the creature who now holds that title. President Abraham Trump steps to the lectern.
Trump: I can again only tell you how great everything is. Really great. This is the greatest time in this country, probably the greatest time in the world, in the history of the world. Americans should be thrilled by what I have done. I have changed the nation. Nobody believed I could do it, but I did it.
Reporter 1: But, Mr. President, the way you’ve changed it is that states have seceded. We are at war. Fort Sumter was attacked. The Union just lost the Battle of Bull Run. How can you say that everything is great?
Trump: Where are you from?
Reporter 1: The New York Herald, sir.
Trump:Ah, the failing New York Herald. You’re a disgrace. Your paper is a disgrace. You’re making all of that up. I never heard of that Fort Something.
Reporter 1: Sumter, sir.
Trump: Don’t know it. Someone in my Administration may know it. They may have done it. Not me. Probably the prior Administration is the one that messed it up They were horrible.
Reporter 1: But, what about Bull Run?
Trump:Perfect name of the place. “Bull Run.” It’s bullshit. Fake news.
Reporter 2: Sir, Jefferson Davis said today that he will not give up until he wins. What do you say to that?
Trump: I have a great relationship with Jeff Davis. He’s a good friend. A great guy. He just sent me a beautiful letter. A perfect letter. I can’t tell you what it says, but it was beautiful. Perfect. This I can tell you.
Reporter 2: And General Stonewell Jackson said the same thing.
Trump: Stonewall, of course. I am building a stone wall around our entire country. Keeps the Arabs out.
Reporter 2: Arabs, sir? There are very few Arabs coming here.
Trump: See. It’s working.
Reporter 3:You once opposed secession, but there are reports that you have changed your mind. Have you?
Trump: Well, that’s not my responsibility. I have to leave that to the Governors. Now, I’ll watch it. I’ll monitor it. If it works, I’ll take credit for it. If it doesn’t work, I’ll blame the Governors.
Reporter 3:Then, what is the fighting for, sir?
Trump: Simple. Jefferson Davis said there were more people at his inauguration than at mine. He’s a good guy, but that went too far. I heard that from a lot of people – a lot of very successful people – very powerful people they all tell me that. You know that. I know that. Everybody knows that. Next question.
Reporter 4: How long will this war last?
Trump: Not long. It’ll be over sooner than many people think. Sooner than a lot of people think. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Remember, when it gets warmer, the Confederacy will go away. They aren’t used to the heat in the south like we are here in the north.
Reporter 4: But, that’s not really . . . .
Trump:And before we go any further, there is somebody here I want you to hear. You’ve all seen his ads and his pamphlets. It’s Mike Sinwell, the Feather Pillow Guy. Mike, come on up here.
Mike: Thank you, Mr. President. I just want to say that nothing will help our troops more after a battle than being able to rest their heads on one of my feather pillows. Each one is hand-made by my army of very talented slaves in my home state of Minnesota. And, for a limited time, I’m changing my previous price of $15.00 to my new patriotic price to $18.61 in honor of this year of freedom.
Trump: Thank you, Mike. What a great man you are. Great businessman. One of the greatest. Maybe the greatest of all time, except, of course, me.
Reporter 5: We hear reports that your Administration is working on new medical care for the troops. Is that true?
Trump: Of course. I have the smartest people working for me. Not smarter than me, but smart. I had an Uncle, you know, who taught alchemy for, like 30 years, in grammar school. Genius is in my genes. That’s why they call it “gene-ius.” Anyway, I’ll tell you what we’re working on. I shouldn’t do this. it’s secret. So, promise me you won’t tell anyone.
The Reporters In Unison: But, we’re reporters . . .
Trump (ignoring the reporters)It was my idea. It’s lye. You know, the stuff that cleans everything. It’s in soap, it’s obviously safe. A guy has a wound, you open it up, pour a lot of lye into it and zim bam boom, it’s all fixed. Back into the battle they go. Fixes everything, except of course, bone spurs. Lye. That’s the secret. Lye.
The Reporters (quietly to each other):“Lye”, huh. How perfect.
We were right 