Fraud Guarantee – Really???

I’m sure you’ve read by now that the scumbags whom Giuliani associated with for his Ukrainian crimes, owned a company called, “Fraud Guarantee.” Yes, that’s actually the name – “Fraud Guarantee.” Are we living in a cartoon? The writers of “Family Guy” would think that such a name in such a situation would be going too far.

So, in the same “truth is stranger than Salvador Dali’s imagination” sense, I wondered what the advertising brochure for “Fraud Guarantee” might have looked like. Maybe something like this:

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“Are you having trouble convincing people to buy your product? Are potential buyers unsure whether you or your competitors are the better bet? Well, we at Fraud Guarantee know what the trouble is and we can make your problems go away.

It’s simple. You are obviously holding yourself back by telling the truth. “No,” you might say. “We don’t tell the complete truth. We do what all businesses do, we exaggerate and puff up our products.” Well, you know what we at Fraud Guarantee say to that – we say “BULLSHIT!” Our motto is, “Puffery Is For Pussies.” Don’t just exaggerate – LIE!  Our other motto is, “Fraud Makes You Famous.”

Let’s say you are selling baked beans. Are you telling people that your baked beans are “the best?” That’s BULLSHIT! Wake up! Tell people that your bean baking method was invented by Galileo. Then, on every can print a supposed statement signed by the Big Gal saying how he considered these beans his greatest discovery. Fraud, baby. It sells. We are experts at it. We “Guarantee” it.

And we handle not just commercial businesses. We are even more successful in politics. Are you looking for dirt on your opponents? Stop looking. If you think you need to look for dirt, that implies that you think you need to find some before you can spread it around. That’s BULLSHIT! Save yourself the trouble of looking. Just make it up. Would you win if your opponent was a cross-dresser? Then, say he is. We’ll provide the pictures. Fraud, baby. It wins. We are experts at it. We “Guarantee” it.

If you doubt what we say here, remember that we have Rudy Giuliani on our staff. Have you seen him on TV? The man can lie about anything!”

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Well, that’s what I imagine the brochure would say. It would probably have been a lot worse if I had hired “Fraud Guarantee” to write it.