An Immodest Proposal

I am not alone in thinking that the longer the string of Democratic candidates quarrel with each other, the harder it will be for the Party’s ultimate choice to win.  And, God knows, we HAVE TO WIN.

So, I have this idea for how to stop the sniping and unite the Party into one winnable candidate. I suggest that Joe Biden privately call the likely candidates together and tell them this:

Look, you guys.  Thanks for coming.   

We all want to be President of the United States. We’ve all probably dreamed about it since we were little kids.  But, here’s the thing – this time, only one of us can be. And here’s the other thing – this time, the country can’t afford it if we lose. 

So, here’s what I think we need to do. I think we need to agree that I should be the candidate. 

Now, before you go screaming and complaining and calling me a selfish pig, let me explain. See, all the polls say that I have the best chance of winning. We all know that the keys to winning are just four states – Pennsylvania, Ohio, Wisconsin and Michigan. That’s blue-collar country.  I’m blue-collar Joe.

But, let’s set that point aside for minute.  Let’s talk about what it means to be President – why we have all dreamed about it for so long.  Yeah, it means living in the White House and your name going down in history, and people playing that song every time you enter a room.  That’s good stuff. But, that’s not really why we want that job. At least, it shouldn’t be.  In our heart of hearts, we want that job so we can do good work – so we can make this a better place to live. Yeah, we dreamt aboutbeingPresident, but we also dreamt about doingPresident – about doing the things we believe in.

So, here’s my proposal.  I’ll be the candidate, but you will be there with me. I’ll be the placeholder. You will be the doers. If you really want to do the stuff you talk about on the trail, then this is your chance to actually do it.

Bernie – You can be Secretary of Health and Human Services.  You can make health policy.  You can finally put Medicare for All in place.

Elizabeth – You can be Secretary of Treasury.  You can make fiscal policy. You can make tax policy. You can finally see that the wealthy pay their fair share. You can make sure that those mis-named “public” companies finally serve the “public” instead of just themselves.

Kamala – You can be Attorney General.  You’ve got the experience.  And this will give you a chance to show that you really are a compassionate prosecutor.  Your legacy will no longer be tarnished by what you did when you had that job in California. And, you can go after Trump.  How much fun will that be?

Cory – You can be Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. You know the cities.  You ran a big one. You live in the inner city you want to fix. You can do it from this post. 

Pete – You can be Secretary of Defense.  You’re the only soldier in our bunch.  You’ve been on the battlefield.  You want to put an end to endless wars.  This will be your chance.

Amy – You can be Secretary of Labor. After all, you belong to the Minnesota Democratic-Labor Party. You’ve always been for the workers, for the unions.  Restore those unions to their rightful role in the workplace. 

Beto – You can be Secretary of Education.  You relate to young people.  Hell, you used to have a rock band. You understand what kids need to be able to learn.  Do it.

Julian -I give you Homeland Security.  You can fix the despicable immigration policies that Trump has dumped on us.  You know the border. You know the problems. What could be a more important thing for you to do at this time in our history?

Andrew – You can be Secretary of Commerce. You’re the businessman. You already have set up organizations to help people become entrepreneurs.   Now you can do that in a big way.

Hey, I’m not even wedded to these choices.  If you guys want to trade with each other, I’m ok with that, too.  You are all so well qualified for any of them.

So, that’s my idea. Obviously, we can’t just leave this room and announce this.  There will be electoral consequences if we lay this all out before the election.  I say you guys just gradually end your campaigns as time goes on. Not all at once. We just all have to be together some time before the major primary season.  We can be a team. As a team, we can win. As a team, we can get this shit done..