Much has been made recently about President Trump describing himself in holy terms – “Second Coming”, King of the Jews” – shit like that. Is it true? Is Trump really our Savior?
We don’t like to speculate about things like that, so we went directly to the source. We got in touch with God. Here’s how it went.
Us: We know that you are busy, God, so we won’t take up much of your time. Here’s our first question: how can someone, like Trump, who has done so many awful things, compare himself to you?
God: Well, first, you’re right. I am busy. I’m in the middle of creating a deadly hurricane; overseeing famine and genocide in a bunch of countries; and melting the polar ice caps; not to mention creating even more versions of the “Housewives” shows. But, in answer to your question, I have no idea how anyone who does bad things could possibly be compared to me.
Us: So, Trump is wrong to say the things he said?
God: Look, who am I to sit in judgment of people? I don’t play God.
Us: Well, apart from that, sir, what is your general impression of President Trump?
God: Great salesman. I bought a condo from him.
Us: Really, where?
God: Here. A place called, “Trump Heaven.” He told me he would build the greatest condo ever seen. He also said he could sell the place out if people knew I was going to be their neighbor. Showed me some great pictures. Bought me dinner – Trump steaks with Trump wine. Dinner sucked, but the condo sounded great.
Us: Did that happen? So, you spend time there, now?
God: Not yet. He says he’s still waiting for the financing. Don, Jr. called me the other day and he had this Russian guy on the phone with him. He said they were close to closing on the project. They just needed two things from me.
Us: What were they?
God: I had to make sure Russia kept Crimea and I had to help make Putin look a little more buff.
Us: Did you agree to do that?
God: What choice did I have? I got some major coin invested in that condo. I already lost the salary he promised me to lecture on religion at the defunct Trump University. You know, Moses lost that eleventh commandment I gave him – “Thou shalt throw good money after bad.”
Us: I think Moses may have rejected that one, sir. Anyway. One last question. Will Trump be re-elected?
God: Only God knows.
Us: But, sir . . . .
Then he was gone.
We were right 