The Next Deal

Dateline Washington, D.C. 

After having his efforts to buy Greenland rebuffed, President Trump has turned his attention to another potential real estate deal.

Walking across the South Lawn on the way to his helicopter today, the President said, “I am considering putting a group together to buy the United States.” He gave no further details at the time.

But, later in the day he held a makeshift press conference prior to an appearance in rural Montana  before a group of supporters in the David Duke Arena. This is a transcript of that Q and A.

Reporter 1: Sir, what did you mean about putting a group together to buy the United States?

Trump: Fake news. I never said that.

Reporter 2: But, you did. It’s on tape. It’s been broadcast all day.

Trump: You want me to say I said it. Ok, I said it. And here’s what I meant. I know a lot of really rich people. All the richest people. The smartest people. They got rich  buying things and then running them. Why shouldn’t they do that for the country?

Reporter 2: The United States isn’t for sale, sir. That’s absurd.

Trump: Absurd? Don’t use that word. You call me absurd? I’m canceling my visit to your house.

Reporter 2: But, you were never coming to my house.

Trump: Exactly

Reporter 3: How would this work, sir?

Trump: Very simple. We put the money together and we make a deal. It’s been done before. There was the Louisiana Purchase. Somebody bought Louisiana.

Reporter 3: Thomas Jefferson bought Louisiana.

Trump: See, that’s what I mean. If he could buy one state, I can buy all of them.

Reporter 3: Jefferson bought Louisiana for the country.

Trump: Fake news. Makes no sense. Why would the country have to buy a state? You guys better learn your history.  Learn it. I know it. No one knows more history than Trump. That’s why historians love me. They all love me. But, you never report that. Never. 

Reporter 4: Have you consulted with Congress about this?

Trump: Why?  It’s a free country.  I can do what I want.

With that, the President turned away and walked into the David Duke Arena.  The reporters were banned from following him.  However, as he entered, the reporters could hear shouts of “Buy Her Up!” “Buy Her Up!” “Buy Her Up!”