A NEW “CHRISTMAS STORY”

I love the movie, “A Christmas Story.” That’s largely because I grew up listening to Jean Shepard on the radio. “Shep”, as all his fans called him, was a genius storyteller with a coterie of characters from his childhood growing up in northern Indiana. All the stories said something about life, and not the kind of crap we got from Kukla, Fran, and Ollie. He was our Yoda.

“A Christmas Story,” of course, is based on Shep’s epics. He is also the narrator.

Shep is long gone, but I was wondering how he might revise “A Christmas Story” for today’s world. Here’s one possibility.

Ralphie has a new hero. No more Red Ryder. Living there in the middle of Mike Pence country, who else would his Superhero be? None other than ORANGEMAN himself – the one who in real life, is President Donald J. Trump. Ralphie absorbs all of the President’s speeches. He catches every TV appearance that the Exalted Leader makes.

Ralphie especially likes what the President says about guns. He regularly turns on his iPhone to watch Trump say how teachers should carry weapons. Ralphie even has a poster on his wall of Trump ripping down signs that say, “Gun Free Zone.” He also falls asleep listening to his idol talk about how Mexico is sending us its rapists.

Christmas is coming. Ralphie insists on the one present that he cannot do without.

“I need a gun,” he regularly tells his parents.

“O.K.,” his mother says, “we’ll get you a nice one. They are re-issuing the Red Ryder rifles.”

“Not that,” Ralphie answers with disgust. “I need a real gun. The President says we are under attack and we need to keep and bear arms.”

“Well, honey, the Red Ryder rifle is like real arms,” his mother says.”

“That’s bullshit,” Ralphie answers.

“Oh, dear, Ralphie, what kind of language is that?”

“C’mon, Mom. Don’t give me that ‘wash my mouth out with soap stuff, the President says that word all the time. And if I walked around school with a plastic gun, Flick and Bruner would call me a ‘girl’ and ask if they can grab my pussy.”

“So, what are you talking about, Ralphie,” his father chimes in. His father works in the local auto plant and is a rabid Trump supporter.

“You know, I need one like the real patriots have – an AR-15 Assault rifle. How else will I be able to protect us from the black people and the brown people?”

“But, Ralphie,” his alarmed mother says, “you better be careful with something like that. You could shoot a white person’s eye out.”

Well, it goes on from there. Ralphie gets his AR-15 on Christmas. He treasures it. He practices with it. Occasionally, he sprays bullets at local Mosques and Synagogues.

But, the Trump’s tariff policies lead to Ralphie’s father losing his job. The family loses its house. But, Ralphie continues to follow his dream. He falls in with a White Nationalist organization and quickly rises to a position of leadership. Soon, he is at the Republican National Convention placing his childhood idol’s name into nomination for his seventh Presidential term. The Republicans have ignored the Constitution and just keep nominating him. Since all of the Supreme Court Justices have been placed there by Trump, they say nothing, and they even reject any election results where Trump loses.

The film ends with Ralphie running into his homeless family on the street. His mother looks him straight in the face and pleads for his help. Ralphie shoots her eye out.