New York Times – Washington, D.C. – March 14, 2043 – President Barron Trump announced today that he had submitted a bill to Congress that would finally complete the Trump family’s goal of ultimate safety and security for all Americans. Because the new government system implemented under the series of Trump Administrations prevent Congress from voting against any Presidential proposal, the bill will become law immediately.
The President issued this statement:
Today, I am fantastically pleased, more pleased than anyone has ever been pleased. History of the world. Most pleased. Very pleased. I now complete the process that my father and my two brothers began and advanced
My beloved father, The Great Donald, in his brilliance, was able to eventually convince the nation about the necessity for walls. You all know the history. I know most of it. My father built the first wall – the Southern Border Wall. He overcame the stupidity of his opponents by declaring a state of national emergency. Thanks to the wisdom of the Supreme Court, the one where we Trumps named all the Justices, that national emergency status has remained in effect ever since, and that stupid Constitution no longer applies .What a stupid Constitution. Stupidest in history. My father was then able to suspend all Presidential elections. This allowed my older brother, Donald, Jr., to take over when my father tragically died from eating one of the millions of tainted cheeseburgers that got served because the continuing shutdown laid off all government food inspectors. Those deaths, though, were a small price to pay for the profits enjoyed by the owners of the previously inspected industries. Donald, Jr. then built the Great National Border Wall. It now goes all around the country. So far around. So beautiful. So around. It keeps those filthy Canadians out. Now, the players on every Stanley Cup winning team are all our wonderful fellow Americans. Then, when Don. Jr. stepped down at the request of his twelfth wife, my other brother, Eric, took his place. He built walls around each state.
As President Eric said at the time, “Wowee, look at all these walls. Can I throw a ball against them?” After being reminded that he had never thrown a ball, he went back to play in the sandbox that had been constructed for him in the Rose Garden. His walls remain a vital part of what Makes America Great Again. Thanks to Eric, now New Jerseyans need not to be afraid of Pennsylvanians crawling into their territory with their sloppy cheesesteaks.
Well, now it’s my turn. We Trumps have covered the southern border and all the other borders. Every border. Big borders. Big walls. Beautiful borders.
But, of course, that is not enough. People tell me that a lot of violent crime, maybe actually all violent crime, maybe every single violent crime, is committed by people who are standing close to their victims. I once actually saw a picture of a mugging and the mugger was, like, right next to the guy. And what about drugs? When horrible, horrible people sell drugs to other very, very good people, very wonderful people, they are almost always face to face
[And allow me to take this opportunity to remind you that the only place you can buy drugs legally is from Trump Drugs International. Call 1-800-REALLYGOODSHIT. Special this week on half-price crack.]
So, in order to keep all Americans safe from crime and drugs, there is one more section of wall that needs to be built. Today, we begin the construction of walls around every single person in this country. Everyone will be secure. It will be kind of like everyone will be back in the womb. This idea came to me one night as I slept next to my Mommy. And she’s still hot. I felt so protected, not only because I was laying with my Mommy, but also because my Mommy’s Secret Service Agent was laying there with her too. And, boy, those two feel safe. They were laughing and moaning. It was a wonderful thing to hear.
There are some obvious standards that will be used. White Protestants will get invisible electronic fences set to electrocute anyone other than a white Protestant crossing their line. Other Christians will have high cement walls with barbed wire to keep them safe. Jews, well, they can get whatever kind of wall they want, but they will have to pay for it through the nose (Get it? Jews? Noses?). Black and Brown people will get picket fences. Muslims will also get barriers, but theirs’ will be different. Their walls will automatically move them toward and eventually into the ocean.
I am reminded of the poet, Robert Frost. Well, not actually. I never heard of the guy. And what a silly name. Anyway, I guess he wrote poems and that one of them said this: “Walls make good neighbors.” Well, he was partly right. In Trump America, walls don’t make good neighbors, they allow us to hate our neighbors, especially the ones who don’t look like us.
God bless Trump America.
We were right 